The Original College Football Czar

Week 1

If you're reading the College Football Czar's Week 1 picks, it must mean that yet another long summer of terrible TV is about to come to a merciful end. So ... if you have set aside a room in your house that you never enter, because you have dedicated it "the quarterback room"; if you have been listening to "Sweet Caroline" over and over and over again, just so you could practice hating it during the offseason; if you sat in an empty stadium for three and a half hours in early July, convincing yourself that you were watching a college football game from which everyone had opted out; if you drove to Topps' home office to try to sell them on your idea to market trading cards of head football coaches' inappropriate female companions -- then do not despair, for another exciting, fun-filled season of college football has arrived, and not a moment too soon.

Sometimes, it's as if Reggie Hammond came barging into NCAA headquarters and said, "Let's see what we can [expletive deleted] with next!" The latest bit of lunacy is that there are players who have already left to turn pro, but failed to land a spot on a regular season NFL roster, and are trying to come back and resume their college careers. Since being waived by the Cleveland Browns, former Ole Miss tight end Dae'Quan Wright has decided that the new college football 5-for-5 rule should apply to him even though he was already gone before it was passed, so he intends to join former coach Lane Kiffin at LSU for his fifth year of eligibility. As of this writing, there are now 16 players seeking to do likewise, and a district judge who wouldn't know a football from a baboon's butt had issued restraining order preventing the NCAA from enforcing its eligibility rules. The Tenth Circuit Court of Appeals has since granted a stay against that order, but the legal battle appears to be far from over.

The NCAA had grandfathered in its 5-for-5 rule, which grants an athlete five years of eligibility within five years after enrolling in college. The reason for this is that by the time of the year that the rule was adopted, the teams already had their rosters set, and letting professionals return to college for one more year would displace a lot of first-year players from their roster spots. The Big Ten, Big XII and SEC are now pledging to uphold this decision on their own, by forbidding anybody from playing who had already made himself eligible for the draft, suited up for an NFL preseason game, or signed a contract with a professional football team. The College Football Czar suspects that those three leagues will eventually be found to have colluded against the returning players, which of course they have, and we'll be right back where we were a week ago. This whole mess was probably inevitable once NIL became a simple pay-for-play scheme, with little directly to do with N, I or L. If the players are already being paid, then where's the distinction in turning pro? Yet another example of a radical change being made to college football with little if any forethought.

Given what Curt Cignetti has accomplished so far, this might seem a bit unfair, but the College Football Czar has got to nominate the national champion head coach for the Lardhead of the Year Award, for some allegedly witty remarks he made after canceling Indiana's upcoming home-and-home series with Notre Dame. The coach has been making a point of not scheduling quality nonconference opponents, which sadly is an understandable approach given the way things are now. As long as IU can contend in the Big Ten, it remains a playoff team as long as it does not take any losses outside of the conference. So he is refusing to play opponents from other power conferences, and since the Fighting Irish are in that same class of competition, the intrastate series had to go.

But instead of owning up to such tactical wussery, Cignetti made the moronic claim that, "I'd like to play Notre Dame. They ought to come to our place twice, and we'll go up there once, since they're not in a conference." Of course, the status of ND as an Independent is totally irrelevant here. The Irish are obviously not about to debase themselves by taking the short end of a two-for-one series, so the coach isn't even pretending to be realistic. Moreover, the Czar does not believe Cignetti would even take that series if it were offered to him, because he has already demonstrated that he is literally afraid to face Notre Dame in the regular season. He simply is not about to play three games against that good a program if he doesn't have to. As taunts go, this is a completely unsuccessful one. That is, unless the real target is the Hoosier fans, who won't see a nonconference opponent any better than Western Kentucky for the foreseeable future.

As always, the Czar's opening week of picks will actually encompass two weeks and change, beginning with a smattering of Week Zero games, and running all the way through Labor Day. So, without further ado:

Aug. 29

North Carolina vs. TCU

Once again, the college football season kicks off with the Emerald Isle Classic in Dublin, which probably works out fine for Tar Heel coach Bill Belichick. The way his team disintegrated in a 34-point loss to this same Texas Christian team in his highly anticipated home opener a year ago, he probably doesn't mind playing this rematch an entire ocean away from home.

Belichick's new offensive coordinator is Bobby Petrino, the generally successful if ethically problematic former head coach at Louisville, Arkansas, Western Kentucky and Louisville again, who had returned to Arkansas as its OC in 2023, but only went 0-7 there as interim head coach last season. Petrino tries to add some petrol to an offense that sputtered to an ACC-worst average of 288.8 yards per game in 2025.

With prolific passer Josh Hoover gone to Indiana, the Horned Frogs welcome Jaden Craig, a transfer from Harvard, who is easily the most notable QB to come from that school since Ryan Fitzpatrick. Of course, the most famous QB who attended Harvard was George Plimpton, but he was only pretending. Plimpton, the "participatory journalist" who once sparred with Sugar Ray Robinson, was obviously just putting everybody on, sort of like Andy Kaufman with better diction.

It's a little-known fact that the city of Dublin was given that name by mistake. The man who called it that woke up the next morning and looked out the window to realize there's only one of it.

TCU 34, North Carolina 19

Nc State at Virginia

For some demented reason, these ACC opponents were supposed to have gone all the way to Rio de Janeiro to play this game. Thankfully, that cockamamie idea collapsed in time for it to be moved back to Charlottesville. Happily for football fans, the opening day time slot remains the same, which makes this year's Week Zero less weak than usual.

The Cavaliers were unable to stop Duke on a fourth-and-one in overtime of the ACC championship game, otherwise they would have been in the playoffs last year. Over the course of their 11-3 season, they went 5-3 in games decided by eight points or fewer, including a 13-7 Gator Bowl victory over Missouri.

One of those losses was to NCSU, 35-31 in Week 2, but that did not count in the ACC standings, because it was not scheduled as a conference game. Instead, the neighboring rivals scheduled each other voluntarily, knowing that they wouldn't run into each other often enough in a 17-team league. The oddity did not affect the championship game matchup, however, because the first-place Cavs would have still finished a half-game ahead of the next five teams if that game against the Wolfpack were added to the L-column. For the record, this year's meeting is an official ACC game.

It's not often you see a team develop its own quarterback anymore, but C.J. Bailey begins his third year out of three with the Pack, for whom he passed for over 3,000 yards in 2025. On the opposing sideline stands Beau Pribula, one of those reputed dual-threat quarterbacks who has yet to sufficiently demonstrate Threat #1. While fighting through an ankle injury late last year at Mizzou, he threw no touchdowns and four interceptions in his last four games.

Had this game been played in Brazil as originally planned, it would have sold about as many tickets as the 1985 Terry Gilliam movie by that name. But at least those who saw it would not have been so irritated, bored, and assaulted by pomposity.

Nc State 28, Virginia 23

Memphis at UNLV

In what figures to be an entertaining game in spite of the indoor venue, the only thing that should slow down these two offenses is the crinkly carpet at Allegiant Stadium. Each team (like most others) is bringing in a new quarterback this year, with the Rebels landing former Oklahoma and Auburn QB Jackson Arnold, and the Tigers trying to light a fire with Marcus Stokes, formerly of Division I-AA West Florida.

By now, everybody knows to fear the 'phis, but the last time they opened a season this far west, they were still a little-known program called Memphis State. That MSU club came all the way to the Coliseum and shocked a typically arrogant Southern Cal team, 24-10 in 1991. Before the game, Trojan players had said, perhaps not even jokingly, that they hadn't even realized Memphis State was a Division I team.

A year ago, Vegas lost the Mountain West championship to fall to 10-3, but because of that league's dearth of quality bowl tie-ins, they only scored a Frisco Bowl invitation to face Ohio U. To their credit, none of them opted out of the game; nevertheless, they turned in an uninspired performance in a 17-10 defeat. This season, they expect to be playing for a bigger postseason prize.

At MU home games, some of the fans happen to be Elvises. We know this won't be their first road trip to Sin City since Viva Las Vegas, however, because the buffet at the casino keeps bringing them back. That prime rib is pretty hard to resist. Not that they try.

UNLV 51, Memphis 34

Hawaii at Stanford

Quarterback Davis Warren came to the Cardinal by way of Michigan, where he missed the entire 2025 season while recovering from a torn ACL. He started much of 2024 with the Wolverines, but he threw only seven touchdowns to nine interceptions, which unfortunately makes him fit right in with his new team.

The Warriors won last year's Week Zero game, 23-20 on a last second field goal. This, in spite of a terrible special teams blunder by WR Brandon White, who signaled for a fair catch on a kickoff, then allowed the ball to bounce before taking it at the one-yard line. The ensuing play resulted in a sack and a fumble in the end zone, spotting Stanford a 10-0 lead. The understandably embarrassed White has since quietly slinked away to Manhattan, Kansas, where he is living under an assumed name after receiving plastic surgery. Just kidding. He actually had a fairly productive season, and then transferred to Kansas State, but who's counting?

For certain occasions in the past, the Stanford mascot has assumed the identity of a palm tree, but don't expect to see him wearing that costume against this opponent. To do so would be an act of treeson.

Hawaii 29, Stanford 20

Jacksonville State at North Dakota State

The Bison finally break into major college football after capturing ten Division I-AA championships in the past fifteen years. This year's starting quarterback is little-utilized senior Nathan Hayes, who was not quite able to rally his team into field goal range at the end of a 29-28 playoff loss to Illinois State.

You know what they say about too many cooks, but the Gamecocks could have used an extra one. That's because Cam Cook, the nation's leading rusher in 2025, is among those who have transferred to West Virginia. As of now, it looks like their leading ball carrier this year will be Khristian Lando, who as a freshman finished fourth on the team in rushing, behind Cook and two QBs.

Note to any out-of-towners who ever go to NDSU for a game. In those parts, they pronounce their team name "BY-zun" instead of "BI-son." That's because, for many decades, the people in Fargo had no contact with the outside world. As a result, nobody could explain to them that they were saying it wrong, and now it's too late.

North Dakota State 30, Jacksonville State 28

Sacramento State at Eastern Michigan

The Hornets play their first game as a Division I-A team, and also as a member of the Mid-American Conference. Once they've traveled halfway across the country to get to a stadium with a gray field that makes all the highlights look like old newsreel footage, they might decide they've made a mistake, and go home. Assuming they stick around for the game, they'll see that this EMU team has been on a steady decline since winning nine games in 2022. Last season, the Eagles fell to 4-8, with a loss to Division I-AA Long Island.

Unfortunately for Sac State, it appears to be unequipped to take advantage, as it ups its level of competition while having to do an almost total rebuild of its roster. Quarterback Carson Conklin is a boomerang transfer who had a very good year as a Hornet in 2024, albeit against lesser competition. A year ago, he completed only 49 percent of his passes at Fresno State, where he was unable to challenge E.J. Warner for the starting job.

Believe it or not, Eagle coach Chris Creighton is currently the 100th-winningest coach of all time, if all levels of college football are included. He now has exactly 200 victories, in a career that started at an NAIA program in Ottawa, KS, before he moved on to Division III Wabash, then Division I-AA Drake, and finally arrived in Ypsilanti in 2014. He is only 61-83 in his current position, though, and he probably cannot afford a loss in a game like this if he is to keep his head off the chopping block at Block-E.

In professional ball, Creighton once won a national championship, both as a quarterback and as a head coach. The peculiar things about that are that he did both in the same season, and that the nation was Sweden, where he served as coach and QB of the Limhamn Griffins in 1993. No wonder he doesn't mind Michigan so much.

Eastern Michigan 35, Sacramento State 19

Sept. 3

Colorado at Georgia Tech

By now, CU coach Deion Sanders must have discovered that his celebrity is not enough to attract the best available talent, as it was at Division I-AA Jackson State. In Division I-A, every head coach is a big shot, and some of them have got more NIL funds at their disposal.

To run Brennan Marion's "Go-Go" offense, you don't have to borrow a pair of boots from Hannah Storm, but you do need a quarterback who can make reads and decisions very quickly. New Buffalo starter Julian Lewis is probably better suited to such a scheme than a certain other QB who left Boulder just before he showed up. The Go-Go is an unbalanced, shotgun-based offense with which Coach Sanders hopes to inspire some semblance of a running game, which might take a few weeks of sorting through a trio of undistinguished RB transfers.

Alberto Mendoza, younger brother of the Heisman winner, will be taking the snaps for Tech. In very limited action as Fernando's backup at Indiana last season, Alberto completed 18 of 24 with five TDs and one interception. Perhaps more importantly, he showed himself to be a very capable rusher.

This is a sort of a homecoming for Sanders, who famously played for both the Atlanta Falcons and the Atlanta Braves, and even appeared in uniform for both teams in different cities on the same day. For those younger fans out there who don't remember that feat, there's an ESPN 30 for 30 film about it called Deion's Double Play, which is a completely embarrassing exhibition of jocksniffery. The fact that Deion appeared in it not only as the subject, but as a part-time narrator speaking directly to the camera, made it less of a documentary than a self-promotion, abetted by a director who wore his lack of objectivity like a medal. Par for the course for the Disney Family of Lickspittles, really.

Georgia Tech 28, Colorado 17

UAB at Illinois

As yet more proof that the conferences have gotten too big, Illini QB Katin Houser will be facing Alabama-Birmingham for the first time, even though he spent the past two seasons at East Carolina, which also resides in the American Conference.

Alex Mortensen begins his first full season as head coach of the Blazers, having gone 2-4 after taking over from Trent Dilfer midway through 2025. In his first game, his team won the Battle of the Bones by upsetting a ranked Memphis team.

Long ago, the College Football Czar swore off using the phrase, "the big tight end," because, what other kind is there? But when the Fighting Illini move 6-3, 260-lb TE Kaden Feagin to running back, that's big! A year ago, he barreled his way for 507 rushing yards, hitting paydirt seven times.

So you see, "the big tight end" is one of those redundant phrases that says the same thing twice.

Illinois 31, UAB 20

Sept. 4

Fresno State at USC

The Bulldogs have got a proud enough football history that you'd think they could land an occasional home game against a powerhouse opponent like Southern Cal, but they if they return to the Coliseum as planned in 2028, that will make six road games in this series, and none in Fresno. To this point, the Trojans lead 5-1, having split a pair of bowl games, and won all four regular season games at home.

The SC defense, ranked 13th in the 18-team Big Ten a year ago, is what keeps it from being a conference contender. If it can't contain a middling small-conference offense in its opener, this could turn into a long season, especially with five ranked opponents in six games lying ahead on its schedule, starting when they host Oregon in Week 5.

FSU, which ranked twelfth nationally in defense last season, has seven starters returning, which anymore is remarkable. Nevertheless, it's doubtful the Dogs can slow down the Big Ten's leading offense, even though it must replenish its receiving corps. Quarterback Jayden Maiava has topped the 3,000-yard mark in each of the two seasons he began as the starter, with UNLV in 2023, and the Trojans last year.

For decades, and especially during the Pat Hill era, the Bulldogs cast themselves as the plucky underdogs trying to fight back against a system that was rigged by the cigar-puffing power brokers in the Pac-fill-in-the-blank Conference. Now that they belong to the Pac 12 themselves, one would think they ought to be able to fix this game in their favor. If one were a lardhead, that is.

USC 33, Fresno State 17

Toledo at Michigan State

How is it that the Rockets, who have been a Division I team since 1962, had never run into MSU until this season? Perhaps it's because Ann Arbor sits halfway between the two schools, blocking the road to East Lansing, just to be spiteful.

The Spartans snapped an eight-game losing streak in last season's finale against Maryland at Ford Field. They went 3-0 against nonconference opponents to begin the year, however, including a 23-6 win over eventual MAC champion Western Michigan.

Something needs to be done to stop the kind of total team transfers we've seen in several cases this year, including the exodus from Toledo to Uconn, in which 22 UT players followed head coach Jason Candle to his new team. There have been similar stampedes from Iowa State to Penn State, and Missouri State to Coastal Carolina. The way things have become, an athletic director must look at a new coaching hire in part as an opportunity to pilfer players from another school's roster.

Seriously, Toledo couldn't empty out any more quickly than that unless Tony Packo's burned down.

Michigan State 16, Toledo 6

Sept. 5

Miami OH at Pitt

These teams from neighboring states have also never met until now, COVID having claimed their only previously scheduled game in 2020. The MAC was the first conference to postpone its season that year, although the RedHawks would eventually have a forgettable half-season starting in November, going 2-1 with three cancelations. Just a reminder for anyone who thinks the game has never been in worse shape than it is right now, which is an easy thing to think.

A late-season decline for freshman QB Mason Heintschel was concerning to Panther fans, but a shoulder injury had a lot to do with that, and so did Notre Dame and Miami. By all accounts, he's 100 percent at the start of his sophomore year.

Just as importantly, the addition of powerful running back La'Vell Wright from Western Kentucky adds a dimension that the ground game has been missing in recent years, as he complements speedy sophomore Ja'Kyrian Turner. Their apostrophes may match, but everything else about the two is different enough to keep defenders off balance.

This will be the first college game at Acrisure Stadium in which the upper deck seats have been tarped over, an indication that the Panthers are giving up on even trying to draw large crowds anymore. In a way, it's a self-fulfilling prophecy. They might as well put up a billboard outside of each of the stadium gates saying, "Nothing to see here. Move along."

Pitt 24, Miami OH 13

Marshall at Penn State

Iowa State has been a good program under coach Matt Campbell, and Rocco Becht was a very good quarterback there. But at PSU, which will be satisfied with nothing short of a national championship, cutting and pasting Iowa State into Penn State seems woefully inadequate.

Nevertheless, it should be easy for Campbell to have a successful first campaign, especially after the Nittany Lions went 7-6 a year ago. Not only is this year's nonconference schedule nonthreatening, but in conference play, they don't have to face Ohio State, Indiana, Oregon or Iowa.

Thundering Herd QB Carlos Del Rio-Wilson is such an effective dual-threat that he even has four names to scatter around, just to make the misdirection even trickier. The former Syracuse scrambler is in his second season at Huntington, having passed for 2,043 yards a year ago, and rushed for 660 more.

This isn't exactly a marquee matchup, but do you suppose PSU will call for a whiteout? What's the Czar saying! In State College, any day is a good day for a whiteout.

"We Are (sniff, sniff) Penn State!"

Penn State 31, Marshall 14

Coastal Carolina at West Virginia

The Mountaineers are still unsettled at quarterback, but their ground game is in good hands with Cam Cook, who rushed for 1,659 yards and 16 touchdowns at Jacksonville State last season. In Morgantown, they don't have that saying about there being too many cooks, because the more deep fryers, the merrier.

CCU has raided a pretty good little Missouri State program, taking a dozen of its players along with head coach Ryan Beard. That ought to make them better than Missouri State, but not enough so to compete with a Big XII team. Last year, Coastal stepped up to take on two power conference opponents, losing to Virginia 48-7 and South Carolina 51-7.

One of the few good points about West Virginians is that they don't know what teal is, and now the university has to go and ruin that by scheduling this game against the Chanticleers. Why complicate the lives of WVU students by adding a ninth color to their crayon boxes?

West Virginia 38, Coastal Carolina 10

Clemson at LSU

One of the worst traditions in college football is that the Bayou Bengals do not wear their purple jerseys for SEC home games. Well, this opener is a nonconference game, and they're still not wearing them anyway. Why bother having home uniforms if you don't even like them?

Well, as long as they're determined to be annoying, they might as well usher in the Lane Kiffin era in Baton Rouge. The 51-year-old has already racked up 116 career victories in a head coaching career that has previously taken him to Tennessee, USC, Florida Atlantic and Ole Miss, with his abrasive personality scouring a trail wherever he's been.

Dabo Swinney has finally done something about his lack of a breakaway running back. The Paw Boys have plucked Chris Johnson from the roster of conference rival SMU, where he averaged 7.1 yards per carry last season. In fact, Johnson scored the Mustang touchdown that put Swinney's team away with a minute left to play in Week 8.

Louisiana State ripped off the Death Valley moniker after beating Clemson in the Sugar Bowl to end the 1958 season. At the time, the Clemson fans said, "Please don't steal our other tradition! It's called 'Eye of the Tiger,' and we love it!" Twenty-five years later, they all had a good laugh at the Bayou Bengals' expense.

It's all in the timing.

LSU 33, Clemson 30

Boise State at Oregon

In 2024, the Fighting Ducks finally defeated BSU for the first time in four tries, but it was not exactly emphatic. UO trailed repeatedly throughout the game, only keeping pace with two special teams TDs in the second half, before Atticus Sappington's last-second chip shot let them escape by a final of 37-34.

The Broncs have lost seven of their last eight road nonconference games, salvaging only a frightening 56-45 firefight at Georgia Southern in that same 2024 season. Last year, they were held to a single score at South Florida (34-7), and again at Notre Dame (28-7).

Quacker quarterback Dante Moore is being hyped as a Heisman candidate, and not without reason, but the College Football Czar can't shake the impression that he's not in that elite class just yet. Moore was less in the playoffs last year, throwing four of his ten INTs for the year in those three postseason games.

The Broncos are led by senior quarterback Maddux Madsden. But why doesn't Maddux play for the Fighting Ducks instead, one might ask. That's because Madsden doesn't fight when he gets mad. Instead, he goes home and talks to his ferns. It's an anger management thing.

Oregon 32, Boise State 18

Tulane at Duke

It's kind of pointless by now for the Green Wave to hold a grudge against the Blue Devils for signing away QB Darian Mensah, now that he has moved on again, this time to Miami. Besides, TU took a chance on former BYU quarterback Jake Retzlaff, who helped them reach the playoffs last year, so what's there to be bitter about?

Blue Devil fans can be mad about being left out of the CFP if they want, but it's not as if they would have stood a snowball's chance in Blue Hell anyway. Their exciting 42-39 Sun Bowl victory over those other devils from Arizona State made for a far more satisfying end to their season than a first-round blowout loss at Oregon would have been.

Considering the recent success of this Tulane program, the hiring of head coach Will Hall is a bit bumfuzzling. In three and a half seasons at Southern Miss, Hall had a record of only 14-30 overall, and 8-19 in Sun Belt Conference play. If he has immediate success in New Orleans, none of that will matter, but if not, then he just might become known as the worst hire that city has seen since Ray Nagin.

Duke 48, Tulane 31

Liberty at James Madison

New JMU head coach Billy Napier returns to the Sun Belt, where he went 40-12 in four years at Louisiana-Lafayette, before an unsuccessful stint of the same length at Florida. His new employers are going to have to be a little bit patient with him, after the 2025 playoff team had 13 players follow former coach Bob Chesney to UCLA.

It was only the year before last that the Flames claimed the group-of-five CFP spot, but last season they fell to 4-8, finishing with three consecutive losses in overtime. The quarterback position is still up in the air for LU heading into 2026, but it looks like last year's starter, Ethan Vasko, is going to be bumped in favor of Wake Forest transfer Deshawn Purdie.

Last year in Lynchburg, the Dukes prevailed 31-13, in the first renewal of the Battle of the Blue Ridge since both teams transitioned. In hindsight, it might not have been such a good idea for the Liberty defensive backs to play in high heels.

Oh, it turns out that by "transitioned," that just means the programs upgraded from Division I-AA to Division I-A. Never mind.

James Madison 40, Liberty 27

Wyoming at Colorado State

Like so many other traditional November rivalries, the Bronze Boot game has been bumped to the beginning of the season by conference realignment. Wyoming remains in the Mountain West, whereas Colorado State has moved to the Pac 12, apparently because its name ends in "State." The two are not currently scheduled to meet in 2027, but then the series resumes a year later.

The Pokes took that nickname too literally last year, as they moseyed downfield for an average of only 16.0 points per game, which was sixth-worst in the nation. They hope to improve their passing game with QB Tyler Hughes, who has played for William & Mary for the past four years. Mary has got a touch of empty nest syndrome now, but William couldn't wait to get him out of the house.

A pox upon the College Football Czar for referring to the new Ram head coach as Jim Mora Jr. in his preseason issue. Well, maybe not a pox. As punishments go, that would be a tad disproportionate. Anyway, the first coach Jim Mora had the middle initial E, whereas this one has the middle initial L, which means he's not technically a Jr. Anyway, the new CSU skipper just had back-to-back nine-win seasons at Uconn, a team that continues to drift as an Independent, treated as an afterthought by its own school. He must be energized to now lead a team that has just moved from the Mountain West to the Pac 12, giving it at least the illusion of upward mobility.

Why, that's the biggest bronze boot the Czar has ever seen! One of these days, a gigantic, one-shoed, totally ticked off baby is going to come looking for it.

Colorado State 24, Wyoming 16

Baylor vs. Auburn

In last year's opening 38-24 loss, BU got bullied for 307 rushing yards, 137 of those by QB Jackson Arnold, who is now at UNLV. To replace him, the Tigers tabbed former South Florida scrambler Byrum Brown, who rushed for over 1,000 yards in 2025, to go along with more than 3,000 through the air.

AU is hoping Moscow-born head coach Alex Golesh can help it come back McSoon from five consecutive losing seasons, during which it has compiled a record of 27-35. The coach is coming off three straight winning campaigns at South Florida, where he started last year with back-to-back wins over Boise State and Florida.

Golesh really is from the Moscow in Russia, and not the one in Idaho. It gets equally cold in both places, but the biggest difference between the two is that the one in Russa has better fast food French fries. Tucker Carlson wouldn't lie about a thing like that.

Auburn 23, Baylor 13

Western Michigan at Michigan

After the brief but tumultuous tenure of Sherrone Moore, the Wolverines try to instill a little stability by hiring away 21-year Utah coaching legend Kyle Whittingham. The 66-year-old led the Utes to an undefeated season back in 2008, culminating in a victory over Alabama in the Sugar Bowl.

Amazingly, the defending MAC champion Broncos have held on to their starting quarterback and top running back from last season. It seems they were difficult for other coaches to find in Waldo Stadium, even though they were conspicuously clad in horizontal red and white stripes, round glasses and tossle caps.

This battle of the Big Mitten pits the pinkie (Kalamazoo) against the thumb (Ann Arbor), which doesn't make for much of a power struggle. Not only isn't a pinkie very manly, but the thumb just happens to be the Seargent Hulka of the hand.

Michigan 41, Western Michigan 22

Oregon State at Houston

Rookie head coach JaMarcus Shepard has made the surprising announcement that Mercer transfer Braden Atkinson will get the start at quarterback for the Beavers over Maalik Murphy. Last time the undersized Atkinson took the field, he threw no TDs and four picks in a Division I-AA blowout loss to South Dakota.

The Beavs blew a 24-10 fourth quarter lead last year in a 27-24 overtime catastrophe in Corvallis. After having a last-second field goal attempt blocked, OSU eschewed a place kick in the extra frame, and got stopped on a fourth-and-one.

New Cougar ball carrier Makhi Hughes rushed for 2,779 yards in two seasons at Tulane, but then he transferred to Oregon, where he struggled to compete for carries before asking to be redshirted. Now he's wearing a red shirt more to his liking.

This game is being played at TDECU Stadium, but is East Carolina even playing? If so, that means there are three teams on the field at once, just like in Omegaball. Just when the College Football Czar thought this sport couldn't possibly have any more problems.

Houston 35, Oregon State 23

Arkansas State at Memphis

Having played a Week Zero game isn't always the advantage one might expect it to be, and the Tigers will be following up a road trip to Las Vegas that might not have gone very well. The College Football Czar wonders if they will treat this game against their neighboring rivals with the intensity it deserves.

The Red Wolves lost an outstanding slinger in Jaylen Raynor, who is now at Iowa State, but they've got an experienced offensive line to protect their new starting QB, who will likely be tall Texas transfer Trey Owens. A pair of ex-Vanderbilt quarterbacks, Drew Dickey and Jeremy St-Hilaire, are on the roster, also.

This series is known as the Paint Bucket Bowl, because the students from each school had a bad habit of vandalizing the campus of the other, so the schools basically just surrendered to this misbehavior by institutionalizing it. Starting in the mid-50s, the losing school would put aside an area on its campus that students from the winning school were allowed to paint in their team colors, which is just about the collegiatest thing the Czar can possibly think of. It's a wonder they didn't invent the hacky sack, while they were at it.

Arkansas State 27, Memphis 26

Boston College at Cincinnati

Last time these former Big East foes met was in the 2019 Birmingham Bowl, where the 10-3 Bearcats blew out a 6-6 BC team, 38-6. That might have seemed like an unfair matchup, but then again, so might this. Bill O'Brien's Beantowners bottomed out last season at 2-10. During the offseason, he lost leading rusher Turbo Richard to Indiana and starting QB Dylan Lonergan to Rutgers, and has no obvious options to replace them.

The Bearcats must feel like they've won a game of musical chairs. Quarterback Brenden Sorsby had already transferred out to Texas Tech when his career abruptly ended, because of his having gambled when he was at Indiana, before he'd ever come to UC in the first place.

The College Football Czar used to play musical chairs in front of his TV on college football Saturdays. Then he realized the chair was not the source of the music.

Cincinnati 20, Boston College 3

Oklahoma State at Tulsa

Mullett Mike got the chop last year after the Golden Hurricane handed his team an ugly 19-12 defeat at Boone Pickens Stadium. By the end of that game, the only thing more silent than the Stillwater crowd was the dead critter that adorned the coach's cabeza.

Last time TU had a winning record in the regular season was after playing an 8-game slate in 2020, and should that even count? If not, then you'd have to go back to their 10-win season in 2016, an accomplishment they are nowhere close to duplicating. Considering the paltry pickups they made in the portal, last year's 4-8 finish looks like kind of a high bar.

Boone Pickens Stadium is named after T. Boone Pickens, the late OSU alumnus and benefactor. So where's the T? Was he delinquent on his naming rights payments? As long as they were removing part of his name from it, they might as well have called it Slim Pickens Stadium, because most of the people who entered the building in the last two years walked out wondering what in the wide, wide world of sports is going on there.

Oklahoma State 13, Tulsa 8

UNLV at Hawaii

These presumptive Mountain West Conference contenders square off in Week 1, but each of them will have already been in a competitive matchup seven days earlier, Nevada-Las Vegas at home against Memphis, and UH on the road at Stanford.

Rebel running back Jai'den Thomas had to use his unnecessary apostrophe as a comma last season, when he topped the 1,000-yard mark for the first time in three seasons. He actually carried the ball fewer times than he had in 2024, improving his per-carry average from 5.9 to 7.0.

Yet again, the Warriors are playing their home games at the undersized, on-campus Clarence T.C. Ching Athletic Complex, whose capacity has been gradually expanded to just over 15,000. That's because the new Aloha Stadium is still not scheduled to open for another three years. It's a little-known fact that, depending on context, "aloha" can mean hello, goodbye, or "what the hell is taking you?"

UNLV 38, Hawaii 31

UCLA at California

One thing the these two Golden State Bearses with unpronounceable quarterbacks no longer have in common is a conference. As members of the PCC/AAWU/Pac 8/Pac 10/Pac 12, they met on the gridiron every season for 91 years, but the series was interrupted when the Bruins bolted for the Big Ten, and Cal for the ACC.

Iamaleava decided to be a stayer this offseason, perhaps because nobody came running to offer him a better deal than the $4 million he got paid by the Bruins last year. The one-time Tennessee transfer only topped the 200-yard passing mark three times during the 2025 season. He is still only entering his third year, however, and may benefit from the change in coaching staff under former James Madison head coach Bob Chesney.

In what might already be the upset of the year, Jaron-Keawe Sagapolutele decided not to enter the portal after throwing for 3,454 yards for the Golden Bears as a freshman. Anyone who says aloha to this Hawaiian is definitely not asking what the hell is taking him.

The word "bruin" is derived from the Dutch word for brown, so a football team called the Bruins is really the Browns, except that they have the decency to be ashamed of it.

California 45, UCLA 34

Sept. 6

Wisconsin vs. Notre Dame

The Fighting Irish are the official home team in this neutral site Shamrock Series game, even though it is being played smack in the middle of cheesehead territory, at Lambeau Field. Last time the Badgers took to the tundra was ten years ago, when they leapt on top of a fifth-ranked LSU team, 16-14.

The Madison Reds ranked dead last in the Big Ten in offense in 2025, with only 253.1 yards per game. Considering the quality of the ND defense, they might need a Toyota Tundra to mount a drive in this game. Even then, they might still lose, but at least they would have Jan cheerleading for them.

Marcus Freeman's team has not been facing very tough opposition in recent years, but only a fraction of that has been its own fault. It just happens that many of the traditional opponents of the Irish (Michigan State, Purdue, Stanford, Boston College, Syracuse) are going through a down cycle simultaneously. Throw in an inept UW offense and a confused Carolina team, and this year's schedule is not exactly what one would call foreboding. One wouldn't even call it threeboding, which is hardly surprising, since there is no such word.

Now that he's no longer the secretary of transportation, former South Bend mayor Pete Buttigeg is able to spend more time in his hometown. Just in case you're wondering why everybody else has fled to Green Bay.

Notre Dame 27, Wisconsin 9

Louisville vs. Ole Miss

These southern schools meet for only the second time ever, both of them being neutral-site season openers. In 2021, the Rebels rolled out to a 26-0 halftime lead on their way to a 43-24 victory at Mercedes-Benz Stadium in Atlanta. This rematch will be better for TV because it is outdoors, at Nissan Stadium in Nashville. Enjoy it while it lasts, because next year the home of the Tennessee Titans will be indoors, just like almost half of the NFL.

Following through on the momentum Lane Kiffin's team had built up heading into the playoffs is one thing. Coaching a presumptive national contender for an entire season might be a little tougher for Pete Golding to pull off. That job will be made easier for the 42-year-old rookie by the return of senior quarterback Trinidad Chambliss, who fell just 63 yards short of a 4,000-yard season in 2025, even though he didn't start until the third game.

It was supposedly a close QB competition in Columbus last year between Julian Sayin and Lincoln Kienholz. If that's true, then Llllvull having landed the latter through the portal ought to make them instant ACC contenders. Kienholz will be complemented in the Cardinal backfield by a rushing attack that averaged 5.1 yards per carry last year.

The college students are all excited to visit Nissan Stadium, but things could turn ugly when they get there and realize that there are no ramen noodles.

Ole Miss 37, Louisville 32

Washington State at Washington

It's the 118th edition of the Apple Cup, and you know it's a rough game when the most important thing is protecting your apples. UW wan up the score at Wazzu last season, where they left starting slinger Demond Williams in to throw three TDs in the fourth quarter of a 59-24 trouncing.

New Cougar coach Kirby Moore has named Caden Pinnick the starting QB for this opener. The transfer from Division I-AA Cal-Davis got the nod over one-time Pitt prospect Julian Dugger, who saw very limited action for Wazzu last season, but did score a touchdown against Utah State in the Famous Idaho Potato Bowl.

Q: Why does this game take place so early in the season anymore?

A: Because those who are late do not get fruit cup.

Washington 44, Washington State 27

Sept. 7

SMU at Florida State

Okay, now the Seminoles are really good and mad about that 2023 CFP snub, so everybody ought to be ascared. FSU introduces its fourth starting quarterback in as many years, Ashton Daniels, formerly of Auburn. On the other sideline stands Kevin Jennings, who enters his third year as a starter at Southern Methodist, after seeing significant playing time as a freshman. If Jennings can match his passing yardage total from last season, he will reach a career mark of 9,000, and all at the same school.

The Noles have suffered shocking losses before, so they'll have to resist the temptation to look ahead to this game when they play their Week Zero opener against New Mexico State. Even a routine but uninspired win against the Aggies could be enough to damage their confidence, as well as the disposition of the fans in Tallahassee.

The Mustangs had a disappointing 2025 season at 9-4, but they weren't far from going undefeated, having led each of those four losses in the fourth quarter. Not only are they a more experienced team this year, but they've got a lighter schedule, which does not include Miami, Clemson or Georgia Tech.

What did people do for entertainment on Labor Day before there was college football that night? Oh, yeah. We suffered through the Jerry Lewis telethon for as long as possible before getting up and walking all the way to the TV to change channels, and then watched something called a parade, which was really just a bunch of pinko ratbastard politicians trudging around town promoting themselves. Then we all played Slip n' Slide on a long shag carpet sprinkled with broken glass.

Okay, so the College Football Czar just made up that last part, but what a crappy excuse for a holiday. The best thing about it is that there are only four more days until more college football.

SMU 27, Florida State 14

The College Football Czar

a sports publication from The Shinbone