The Original College Football Czar

Week 3

 

 

Week two in review: Although there was a somewhat greater number of competitive games than in Week 1, none of them shook things up much, as there were no matchups between ranked teams, and the highest-ranked team to be upset was #12 Arizona State. There are still entirely too many early-season matchups that should never have happened, resulting in five teams scoring in the 70s last Saturday, and six more in the 60s. Outrageous romps like those are supposed to be aberrations, but in September nonconference games, they have become the norm.

Already, we have two additional nominees for the Lardhead of the Year Award. One of those goes to perennial contender Mike Gundy, for some unwise comments that were made by either the longtime Oklahoma State coach or the varmint that rests on top of his head, about an upcoming game against Oregon. "What I hear -- chatter from coaches around the country -- is that nonconference scheduling, and I never thought anybody would ever say this, should be based on the financial situation for each school," he said. "Oregon is paying a lot of money for their team, so from a nonconference standpoint, there are coaches saying they should play teams that are spending the same amount of money."

In Saturday's game, the Fighting Ducks demolished Gundy's team 69-3, but his folly was not just a matter of giving bulletin board material to the opponents. Gundy had told his own team that it was overmatched, and one could see from the opening kickoff that the message came through loud and clear. Aside from the stupidity of his remarks from a motivational standpoint, they were simply dishonest, in that he was playing the role of the downtrodden pauper. All college sports fans know that the University of Oregon receives a great deal of money from its most famous alumnus, former Nike CEO Phil Knight, but OSU had its own billionaire benefactor in the late oil magnate T. Boone Pickens, and continues to live off the largesse of his estate. (And yes, Pickens is deceased, since 2019. The College Football Czar's crack research staff checked up on it.)

The second nomination goes to Florida defensive tackle Brendan Bett, who apparently saw Philadelphia Eagle DT Jalen Carter get penalized for spitting on Dallas Cowboy QB Dak Prescott on Thursday night, and thought it was a brilliant idea. Two days later, Bett spat on South Florida offensive tackle Cole Skinner, which is bad enough in itself, but he did it while USF was mounting a last-minute drive. The 15-yard penalty moved the ball to the cusp of field goal range, eventually resulting in successful kick by Nico Yetanothergramatica, which sent Bett's Gators to an 18-16 defeat. In reaction, head coach Billy Napier was a bit of a lardhead himself, as he remarked about the saliva-spewing sophomore, "When a guy does something like that, he's compromising the team. He's putting himself before the team." True enough, but the coach could have put in a good word for sportsmanship for its own sake. His player committed a vile act, regardless of whether it impacted the outcome of the game.

The College Football Czar's record for Week 2 may have been unremarkable, but among the outcomes he predicted successfully, he came very close on the following scores:

Czar's pick: Oklahoma 25, Michigan 14 -- Ole Miss 29, Kentucky 22 -- Nc State 38, Virginia 31 -- Syracuse 27, Uconn 19

Final score: Oklahoma 24, Michigan 13 -- Ole Miss 30, Kentucky 23 -- Nc State 35, Virginia 31 -- Syracuse 27, Uconn 20 (OT)

Altogether, he went 13-7 for the week. On the season, his record stands at 28-15, for a .651 winning percentage.

Sept. 12

Colorado at Houston

In a 27-20 loss to Georgia Tech in Week 1, CU coach Deion Sanders watched the clock run out on his offense while he still had two timeouts showing on the scoreboard. Instead of owning up to his miscalculation, he blamed the failed final drive on execution, a time-honored tradition by which a coach passes the buck on to his players. "If we hit the darn plays, we wouldn't be asking these questions," he said.

All right, but why shouldn't the coach provide his offense with enough time to execute a Plan B? The drive started at the Buffalo 25-yard-line with 1:07 to go. On the first two plays, they were tackled in bounds short of a first down, allowing the clock to run, and Sanders opted not to stop it. By the time the ball was snapped on third down, only 28 seconds remained. Finally, his team picked up two first downs to get to midfield. The game ended there, not because the Yellowjackets had stopped them, but because the coach had exercised extremely poor clock management.

Senior running back Dean Connors, who played his first three seasons at Rice, romped over his old school for 132 yards and two TDs on 13 carries, as the Cougars carried off the Bayou Bucket, 35-9. It was the first 100-yard rushing performance for UH in almost two years.

The big news from the Buffs' 31-7 win over Delaware is that QB Ryan Staub, who has patiently waited for two years behind Shedeur Sanders, seems to have beaten out ballyhooed Liberty transfer Kaidon Salter for the starting job. Staub stopped the Fighting Blue Hens by completing 7 of 10 for 157 yards and two TDs.

The Bayou Bucket has become an important tradition in college football, you know. It's the object into which one retches while attempting to watch The Waterboy.

Colorado 20, Houston 17

Kansas State at Arizona

For the second week in a row, the Arizona Wildcats are facing an opponent that is also called the Wildcats. This means practically nothing, of course, except that wildcats are apparently the bulldogs of the West.

At least K-State didn't have to go all the way to Ireland to lose a game 24-21 this time. Instead, they were playing in the cozy confines of Bill Snyder Family Stadium, where they let the game get away from them in the fourth quarter against Army. In fact, their offense was shut out for the entire second half, the go-ahead third quarter touchdown coming on a kickoff return by Bryce Noernberg. Their numbers actually weren't bad, with 4.1 yards per carry, and QB Avery Johnson completing 15 of 25 for 172 yards, but the problem was they only got 43 plays off all game. The Cadets, who ran 82, methodically kept the ball away from them, as is their tactic. Offensive opportunities were so sparse that Johnson actually went more than an hour without a pass attempt during the second half.

The U of A has only allowed nine points in two games, but before anyone starts celebrating the return of the Desert Swarm defenses of the nineties, keep in mind that these games were at home against Hawaii and Division I-AA Weber State. In their 40-6 opener against UH, they were on the receiving end of all five of the game's turnovers, which they converted into 23 points to blow open a game that was not that statistically lopsided.

For the benefit of the College Football Czar's younger readers, Desert Swarm is a play on Operation Desert Storm, the code name for the 1991 Gulf War. You know, that war in Iraq that people are strangely willing to admit we won. Since all of the officially serious people tell us the second war in Iraq went so terribly, the Czar thinks the only sportsmanlike thing to do is to congratulate Saddam Hussein and Abu Musab al-Zarqawi on their victory.

Oh, wait a minute ...

Kansas State 31, Arizona 24

New Mexico at UCLA

Fairly or not, the bulk of the criticism for the Bruins' 0-2 start is bound to fall on quarterback Nico Iamaleava. They didn't spend $4 million dollars to take the sophomore spinner away from Tennessee just to lose to the likes of Utah and UNLV. Trailing the Rebels 23-0 late in the second quarter, he started showing some of the promise we'd been hearing about all last season, but finally he was intercepted to stop the potential game-tying drive.

New and Improved Mexico put a surprisingly good product on the field in an opening 34-17 loss at Michigan. Tight end Dorian Thomas led the Lobos with two TDs and 71 yards on ten catches. After last year's 5-7 campaign, which they started 0-4, UNM may be poised for its first winning season since 2016.

These teams have met once before, in the 2002 Las Vegas Bowl. It was there that Lobo coach Rocky Long let sideshow kicker Katie Hnida attempt an extra point in the first quarter. Her kick, which looked as if it had been pitched toward the uprights with a snow shovel, was easily blocked. The UNM players, taking the hint that their coach didn't care about the outcome, faded from there and lost, 27-13. Afterward, Long was widely lauded for his self-defeating decision. The lesson from this story is that it isn't whether you win or lose, nor is it how you play the game. It isn't even what it is!

UCLA 22, New Mexico 17

Sept. 13

Pitt at West Virginia

In the Mountaineers' 17-10 loss at Ohio, RB Jaheim White accounted for the majority of their rushing yards and their only touchdown, but he was injured late in the first half and returned to the sidelines on crutches. Their second-leading rusher is sophomore Cyncir Bowers, who has a grand total of 53 career yards, all of them in this year's opener against Division I-AA Robert Morris. He really meant it, though.

Last year, the Eers could have put away the game in Pittsburgh if not for a peculiar play call. Leading by only three after giving up a late touchdown, they started their next possession by running the always witty pitch to the short side, which was predictably thrown for a loss. Because they didn't want to stop the clock by throwing the ball, they had basically doomed themselves to a three-and-out, which ultimately led to a shocking 38-34 defeat.

Sophomore quarterback Eli Holstein was a familiar sight for Panther fans in last week's 45-17 win against Central Michigan, in that he was productive, while throwing a handful of very dangerous passes. Only one of those was intercepted, but it turned the tide in the game until late in the third quarter, when he fired a 48-yard bomb to WR Raphael "Poppi" Williams.

The Backyard Brawl is always dangerous in Morgantown. You could get hit with a camshaft, a bubble-screen TV, a toilet, or whatever else happens to by lying around in the yard.

Pitt 26, West Virginia 14

Clemson at Georgia Tech

When the College Football Czar picked the Yellowjackets to win the ACC in his preseason issue, that was based primarily on conference schedule strength. However, they face their biggest challenge in this league opener against a Paw Boy defense that was certainly not to blame for an opening 17-10 loss to LSU.

The Tigers trailed Troy 16-0 before coming back to score the last 27 points of the game. Former wide receiver Adam Randall, now a senior running back, had his first hundred-yard game, with 112 yards and a touchdown on 21 carries. The Czar has been skeptical that Randall could phill in for Phil Mafah, now of the Dallas Cowboys. This road test against Tech ought to give us a pretty good idea.

Notice that the College Football Czar did not say the Son of Clem scored 27 "unanswered points." He hates that cliche, even when it is applicable. But is it even necessary to score in order to answer your opponents' "unanswered points?" Perhaps a heartfelt "Oh, yeah?" would be sufficient.

Clemson 19, Georgia Tech 16

Texas A&M at Notre Dame

The Conjunction Boys were derailed early in last year's anticlimactic opener, a 23-13 loss to the golden domers at College Station. They followed that disappointment with seven consecutive victories, before screeching to an 8-5 finish, losing to USC in the Las Vegas Bowl.

Because the Fighting Irish can't win a conference championship, another loss would be extremely damaging to their national championship hopes, after an opening 27-24 setback at Miami. To state the obvious, they needed to win out last year after losing to Northern Illinois, and they did.

Furthermore, Taylor Swift cannot sing. Frank 'n Stuffs are revolting. Dave Portnoy is a lardhead. (Say, this stating-the-obvious thing is fun!)

As long as the Irish aren't going to count on their QB to run the ball this year, they might consider giving their running backs a few more carries. In that Week 1 setback, Jadarian Price and Jeremiyah Love combined for only 16 carries, a fact that head coach Marcus Freeman attributed to the Hurricane defense taking the RBs away on the read-option. He said they started running more straight handoffs late in the game, and that's a trend that needs to continue.

Q: Why does Touchdown Jesus overlook Notre Dame Stadium?

A: Because Disconcerting Signals John the Baptist didn't test market well.

Notre Dame 28, Texas A&M 20

Georgia at Tennessee

It's very early yet, but if the Volunteers can clear this hurdle, they could be on their way to another playoff appearance. How can the College Football Czar say that, you might ask (and even if you might not ask that, it doesn't matter, because he'll tell you anyway). UT has got about as unimposing an SEC schedule as possible, in that they avoid LSU, Texas, Ole Miss, South Carolina and Auburn. Two of the conference rivals they do play, Alabama and Florida, sure don't look like contenders so far, and their two remaining nonconference opponents are UAB and New Mexico State.

The Bulldogs took a peay break between the hedges last week, in a leisurely 28-6 stroll past the Division I-AA Austin Peay Governors. This week, they play on the road for the first time in the 2025 season, having gone 2-3 outside their home state a year ago.

Since arriving at the School of Hard Knox, consolation prize quarterback Joey Aguilar has thrown five touchdowns and no interceptions in two games. The xnok on him coming in was that he was too reckless with the ball, being picked off 24 times over the past two seasons. We'll see how much he has improved in that area, now that he is throwing against better opposition.

Last year, the Vols' star player was named Nico "I am a leava," and he left. Coach Josh Heupel should take that into consideration next time, before he wastes any effort recruiting some kid named Caleb "I get drunk and shave hibernating animals."

Tennessee 37, Georgia 33

South Florida at Miami

The Bulls have already beaten two ranked opponents, in a 34-7 romp over Boise State and an 18-16 slugfest with Florida. If they can also upset the U, they could be 7-0 by the time they take on presumptive American Conference contenders Memphis, UTSA and Navy.

Carson Beck's elbow must be feeling well, because the Hurricanes haven't asked him to hold anything back. In two games, the former Georgia quarterback has attempted 55 passes, with four TDs and no picks, and a 76.4 completion percentage.

USF also wears a "U" on its helmet, and pretends to be in South Florida, which Tampa is not. So basically, the Bulls are Miami Hurricane wannabes. It's kind of like the time that Fonzie had to rumble with a robotic imposter-Fonz who sought to take his place.

Okay, so there was no such episode as that, but you don't know it because you stopped watching long before the end of the series.

Miami 23, South Florida 13

Wisconsin at Alabama

After the way that Bama got bullied by Florida State, for it to pile up a 73-0 final score on poor lil' ol' Louisiana-Monroe was a sign of insecurity. We'll see how powerful the pachyderms are when they line up against the Big Bad Gers.

The Crimson Tide had a dolly good time last year in Madison (How's that for a Zinger?), when they won in a 42-10 walkaway. It might have become a much different game if Badger QB Tyler Van Dyke hadn't been injured after completing his first five passes. This year's starter, Billy Edwardsjr, was hurt in the opener against Miami Ohio, and missed last week's game against Middle Tennessee. In his place, former San Diego State slinger Danny O'Neil completed 23 of 27.

Tide wide receiver Ryan Willaims has had his manhood attacked, just because his sister paints his fingernails for him. To this, the College Football Czar strenuously objects, on the basis that Williams is only a sophomore. By the time he's a senior, he will be painting his own nails, all by himself.

Alabama 24, Wisconsin 16

Duke at Tulane

Blue Devil QB Darian Mensah takes on the TU team he left at the end of last regular season. In his first two games in Durham, he has thrown for 723 yards and five touchdowns, and there was not a great drop-off in his numbers between a Week 1 romp over Division I-AA Elon and a Week 2 defeat against #11 Illinois. However, he did fumble twice while being sacked by the Fighting Illini, and added an interception to a forgettable second half of a 45-19 knockaround.

When the Green Wave wiped out Northwestern 23-3, that was supposedly done to punish NU coach David Braun for denying them the chance to commemorate the anniversary of Hurricane Katrina. Because Tulane had been forced to play that entire 2005 season away from home, it wore its road whites all year long, and wanted to also wear them for this year's opener. All that was needed was for the road team to agree to wear its dark-colored uniforms, and Braun refused. He says he had no intention of spoiling Tulane's plans, but that they simply hadn't informed him in time to make the arrangements, and the College Football Czar sees no reason to doubt him. If this were really so important to Tulane University, it would have organized the event long ahead of time, and coordinated the uniform combinations with Northwestern during the offseason. For Jon Sumrall to use the dispute to motivate his team is fair game, but that doesn't mean he had to be such a sanctimonious phony about it.

"Don't disrespect New Orleans," Sumrall said after the Northwestern game. Really, coach? Have you ever seen Mardi Gras? Disrespecting that would be like breaking crumbs.

Duke 47, Tulane 29

Arkansas at Ole Miss

Rebel coach Lane Kiffin was being facetious when he apologized to gamblers for last week's seven point victory at Kentucky, but if the College Football Czar were his athletic director, he would be disturbed that the coach was that conscious of the betting line. Then again, something about Kiffin would disturb him on an almost daily basis.

Last Saturday in Little Rock, Razorback QB Taylen Green threw for 239 yards, and rushed for 151 more against Arkansas State. He scored (not "was responsible for") a total of five touchdowns. Running back Mike Washingtonjr picked up 116 yards and one TD on nine carries of his own.

How could somebody be officially responsible for a touchdown without scoring it? By inventing flubber? And wasn't that redundant anyway, after the flubber basketball game in the first movie? The least they could have done was make the second one a flubber polo match, so they could work in some good old-fashioned Hollywood animal abuse.

Ole Miss 40, Arkansas 33

Memphis at Troy

The Tigers, to their chagrin, are not a power conference team, having been spurned by the Big XII. Nevertheless, it is a bit odd for a team of their stature to be playing two road games against Sun Belt teams in as many weeks. Last Saturday in Atlanta, they led by a single point at halftime, before shutting out Georgia State in the second half to win, 38-16.

Goose Crowder sounds like someone who makes pate for a living, but it's also the name of the Trojans' starting quarterback. Unfortunately, he de-livered three of his passes to Clemson defenders last week, in the process of helping his team blow a 16-0 lead. Crowder had been the starter for TSU early last season, but suffered a season-ending shoulder injury in Week 5 against Louisiana-Monroe.

One thing you don't ever want to do is crowd geese. Never mind how the College Football Czar found this out. Suffice it to say, his round of golf had been going badly enough already.

Memphis 34, Troy 17

Air Force at Utah State

Former BYU coach Bronco Mendenhall is 1-1 on his return to the Beehive State, winning the Aggies' home opener against UTEP, and losing on the road to a ranked Texas A&M team. Through his eleven seasons in Provo, he compiled a record of 99-43.

The Falcons have only taken the field once so far this season, and there is little that can be gleaned from a 49-13 thumping of Division I-AA Bucknell. One thing we do know about the AFA is that it has its starting fullback from last year, which is always important to a triple-option offense.

The Lightning Eleven may have to expand by one, if they continue to play two quarterbacks. Junior Josh Johnson got the start last game, but sophomore Liam Szarka took almost as many snaps. The presumptive starter, Quentin Hayes, has gone to the Citadel as a graduate transfer.

It's a little-known fact that Utah calls itself the Beehive State to encourage tourism. They found that people would avoid it if it was called the Mormon Hive State, so they scratched out "Mormon" and wrote in "Bee." Score one for the image consultants.

Air Force 25, Utah State 22

East Carolina at Coastal Carolina

Each of these teams has evened its record by beating up on a lower-division opponent, after giving a disappointing performance in Week 1. The Pirates lost a grudge match against Nc State 24-17, in spite of an inspired late comeback, whereas the Chanticleers got chewed up in a 48-7 loss to Virginia.

It is historically unlike the teal chickens to have trouble scratching up any points, but after tallying only once in that opening defeat, they quietly trudged past Division I-AA Charleston Southern, by a final of 13-0. These results become more understandable when you realize that their quarterback is M.J. Morris, who infamously quit while he was ahead at Nc State, presuming to redshirt himself and transfer, rather than be the starter at an ACC program for only half a season. He spent one mediocre campaign at Maryland before moving on to CCU. How he managed to find two other schools that wanted him after what he did to the Wolfpack is perhaps the most puzzling part of the whole story.

These two Carolinas are not states, but instead are the Carolinas that exist only in James Taylor's mind. It's a good thing they have each other, or they'd get awfully lonely in there these days.

East Carolina 21, Coastal Carolina 10

Minnesota at California

The College Football Czar is pleasantly surprised that Golden Gopher coach P.J. Fleck did not run up the score on Division I-AA Northwestern State of Louisiana, instead shutting the 66-0 silliness down after the first possession of the second half. He is considerably less pleased that such a game even took place.

In their opener, the radiant rodents ran past what is probably a pretty good Buffalo team, 23-10. Running back Darius Taylor toted the ball 30 times for 141 yards, and gained another 36 yards on four receptions. He probably won't account for quite as much of the offense against a Golden Bear defense that ranked #13 in the nation against the run last season.

Cal QB Jaron-Keawe Sagapolutele completed 20 of 30 for 234 yards and three TDs in a 34-15 opining victory over former league rival Oregon State. Needless to say, the Golden Bears are pleased that his name isn't Jaron-Keawe Iamaleava. The latest Hawaiian phenom had originally enrolled at Oregon, but why wait his turn behind Dante Moore when he's capable of starting for a major conference team right now?

It's the Golden Gophers and the Golden Bears. To William Devane, this game must be like watching Cinemax at four in the morning.

Minnesota 29, California 27

Florida Atlantic at Florida International

There's not much positive to say about either of these teams, except that FAU's opening 39-7 loss to Maryland wasn't all that bad, considering that they went minus-6 in turnovers. In addition to the QBs combining for six picks, the Burrowing Owl offense gave up a safety, and turned the ball over on downs five times.

Even without a whiteout at Penn State, the game snowballed on the FIU Panthers, who fell by a final of 34-0 after trailing by only ten at halftime. Of course, as long as they weren't going to score, the size of the deficit hardly mattered. The International Men of Mystery need to win this intrastate battle if they are to stand much of a chance at their first winning season since 2018. That sounds less hopeful when you realize that they haven't defeated their rivals from Rat Mouth since 2016. Overall, the Owls lead the series, 14-5.

Is there any question which side the College Football Czar is picking in this game? Merica First! Who are these globalist swine who are trying to internationalize Florida, anyway? Probably them damn Danishes!

Florida Atlantic 44, Florida International 28

Washington State at North Texas

Considering the way Oregon State has looked so far, the Cougars have got to like their chances of winning the Pac 12 championship this year. They probably also like their chances of contending in the expanded Pac 12 next season, after they downed future conference foe San Diego State last Saturday, 36-13.

The Mean Green scored a quality road win at Western Michigan, 33-30 in overtime, when RB Makenzie McGillii broke the 100-yard mark with a three-yard TD in the extra frame. Curiously, his per-carry average is being weighed down by the opening game against Division I-AA Lamar, in which he somehow only managed to gain one yard on six attempts.

Really, he's the second? Meaning there are two men named Makenzie? Who do you suppose paints their nails?

Washington State 45, North Texas 41

Akron at UAB

The Zips were anticipating their best season since they won the 2105 Famous Idaho Potato Bowl. They have spuddered out of the gate, however, since hearing that they are bowl-eligible because of a low Academic Progress Rate. The College Football Czar knows what you're thinking: The roos are academically ineligible now, but they weren't when Terry Bowden was running the program? The Czar is just passing the information along. He cannot provide a splainey-thingey.

Former Florida State and Texas A&M coach Jimbo Fisher once expressed relief that he hadn't been hired at Alabama-Birmingham years earlier. Now that he has decided he misses coaching, the Blazers could do worse than forgive that insult and make him an offer, especially since they'd have to acknowledge that their program then was nothing like it is now.

Jimbo's job prospects are hindered by his unfortunate resemblance to Sen. Lindsay Graham. Anybody who meets him is overcome by an irresistible urge to turn him off, or at least hit the mute button. Surely you have experienced this if you've happened to see him at his current gig with the ACC Network.

UAB 31, Akron 20

Texas State at Arizona State

There is no longer any question about the Bobcat QB situation after last week's 43-36 victory over UTSA in the Alamodome. Brad Jackson rushed for two touchdowns, before heaving a 65-yard tie-breaking TD pass with five minutes remaining.

The Evil Brutus Thornapples played like born losers last Saturday at Starkville, where they rallied from a 17-0 deficit to take the lead late in the fourth quarter, only to give up a 58-yard bomb with just over a minute left in what is sure to be a devastating 24-20 defeat. The MSU defense showed it was not going to take it from Sam Leavitt, as the Sun Devil QB completed just 10 of 22 for 82 yards, with one TD and two interceptions.

Last year in San Marcos, ASU barely survived a 31-28 scare as they started their improbable run to the playoffs. The Bobs had the advantage in both rushing and passing yards that day, but the game turned on a critical TSU fumble by running back Ismail Mahdi, who ironically has transferred to the University of Arizona.

It appears that the College Football Czar has made another one of those dated references that may require an explanation to some of his readers. Brutus Thornapple was the name of the main character in a comic strip called The Born Loser. A comic strip was a series of crude artistic renderings, relating a brief narrative, ideally to humorous effect. These narratives were published in hard copy publications called newspapers, which were bundles of paper on which news stories and other informational or entertaining items were printed, to be physically distributed to people's homes by child laborers.

Now, if you come back next week, the Czar will tell you all about Vaudeville.

Arizona State 26, Texas State 24

 

The College Football Czar

a sports publication from The Shinbone