The Original College Football Czar

Week 10

Week nine in review: As far as the rankings are concerned, there was a major upset in Los Angeles last week, although it really came as no surprise that #2 Ohio State stumbled in its first game without starting quarterback Julian Sayin. The more shocking result was that #1 Miami almost got jilted at the Chapel of Love, but barely survived a 38-35 scrap against a .500 North Carolina club. Despite that struggle, the Hurricanes hold their place at the top of the rankings, where they are followed by Georgia, Utah, Notre Dame and UCLA.

Most of the mayhem occurred among the group-of-six teams, where CFP contender James Madison was effectively eliminated by losing its second in a row, this time to Troy in OT. Oregon State was upset also, on a rainy Saturday night in Fresno. That leaves Boise State and New Mexico as the frontrunners, even though were nearly knocked off by Texas State and San Jose State, respectively. If each of those teams should falter, that would open the door for North Texas, Liberty, or maybe even Toledo. One thing that's for certain is that the College Football Czar does not want to see any of those teams in a first-round playoff game against the likes of Indiana or LSU. It would be better for football fans if we could go back to matching small conference champions against each other in bowl games.

As the Czar has stated before, he doesn't like to see any coach get fired, but this one had been a foregone conclusion for quite some time. Florida State has finally dismissed Mike Norvell, whose record with the Seminoles was 41-39 overall, and just 23-30 in ACC play. Norvell's 2023 team famously went unbeaten in the regular season, but was left out of the CFP in the absence of injured quarterback Jordan Travis. If they meant to prove they deserved a shot at the national championship, a 63-3 Orange bowl drubbing at the hands of Georgia was a funny way to go about it. Since then, Norvell's teams have gone 10-22, including last week's 36-24 defeat at home to rival Clemson. Prior to arriving in Tallahassee, however, he'd had an excellent four-year run at Memphis, and he shouldn't have much trouble landing another small conference head coaching job, or an OC position at a major conference school.

It's getting a little late for the Czar's midseason swoon to continue any longer, but last week he only went 9-10. For the year, his record stands at 119-72, for a .623 winning percentage.

Nov. 6

Virginia Tech at SMU

The 30-27 defeat Syracuse dealt to the Mustangs stings more than a little, in that it drops them into a tie for third place in the ACC. To reach the conference championship, they must beat Wake Forest in Week 11, but in the meantime they take on a Tech team that is in the running, also.

Tech has had what was probably a welcome idle week after grinding out a 20-16 win at Clemson in Week 8. It's almost a good thing they trailed for much of that game before rallying for ten points in the fourth quarter, because the way their running game performed, they would have had a tough time protecting a lead. As a team, they averaged only 1.9 yards per carry, with leading rusher Jeffrey Overtonjr faring barely better at 2.6. They'll need to do better than that to keep the ball out of the hands of senior Southern Methodist slinger Kevin Jennings.

If you were thinking the smoo QB was the current host and former champion of Jeopardy, the question to that answer would be, "Who is Ken Jennings." Kevin could stand to take a few lessons from him, though. For instance, he could start calling a play by yelling, "Omaha! Omaha!" While the opposing pass rusher was thinking about it, he could burst right past him and run for a touchdown. Then, he would get flagged for taunting after pointing out that his opponent's response, "What is the capital of Nebraska," is incorrect.

SMU 23, Virginia Tech 21

South Florida at East Carolina

The Bulls ran away with a 30-10 decision after spotting UAB an early 10-0 leady, but that doesn't mean their offensive problems have been solved. USF scored two touchdowns on fumble returns, while their O accounted for only 237 yards, with just 39 of those coming from starting QB Luke Kromenhoek.

ECU has got its share of problems, also. Sure, it leveled its record at 4-4 with a 17-9 victory over Temple, but the Owls are the best opponent they've beaten all season. Each of their two previous games, at UAB and at Memphis, ended with one of its quarterbacks throwing an interception in overtime.

In keeping with the game show motif, if these schools met in one, it would have to be Liar's Club. The University of South Florida is located in Tampa, which is so not South Florida that it is barely to the south of the University of Central Florida, which is in Orlando. East Carolina tells an even bigger whopper, in that there's not even any such place.

Larry Hovis, who played Carter on Hogan's Heroes, produced Liar's Club, on which he was a regular panelist. He didn't make a very convincing liar, though. He probably should have swapped game shows with Richard Dawson. That guy was a piece of work.

But then, what would all those women on Family Feud have thought about getting smooched by Larry Hovis?

South Florida 12, East Carolina 9

Nebraska at Illinois

For a third consecutive game, the N-men executed their now-traditional fourth-quarter collapse, this time in a 17-10 home loss to Washington. The Cornhuskers clung to a 7-3 lead until about three minutes remained, when they gave up two TDs in fifteen seconds of game time. The second of those came on the return of QB Anthony Colandrea's third interception.

The Fighting Illini return home, where they upset Oregon 21-10 two weeks ago. Bret Bielema's club has now won three in a row, although the two road victories were way too close, considering that the competition was Michigan State (38-37) and Maryland (20-17), who are a combined 0-10 in the Big Ten this season.

Katin Houser must have gotten to be tough in a "Boy Named Sue" kind of a way, because the Illini quarterback only missed two games with a broken bone in his throwing hand. He wasn't especially sharp against the Terrapins, but he seems to have played his way back into the season with an 18-for-32, 223-yard performance.

Not that there's anything wrong with a boy being named Sue, even though there is.

Illinois 20, Nebraska 14

Nov. 7

Penn State at Washington

Running back Cam Wallace carried the Nittany Lions to their first conference victory of the Matt Campbell era, 31-17. Wallace's 135-yard, one-TD effort roughly doubled his production for the season, including his number of attempts. He can expect to get more of those, as long as he's averaging 5.9 yards per carry.

Sometimes, it seems as if the Huskies are trying to pull a sled that is carrying Santa Claus. So far this season, they are dead last in the Big Ten in rushing yards per game, and next to last in yards per carry, ahead of only Michigan State. In their 17-10 win over Nebraska, they gained only 32 yards on 19 attempts as a team.

Starting UW quarterback Demond Williamsjr had suffered a rib injury in a loss to Iowa, but he came off the bench in the second half against the Cornhuskers to lead the winning touchdown drive. For some reason, it is now a news story that head coach Jedd Fisch says Williamsjr will start against PSU, if he's healthy. Well, yeah. Should that not go without saying?

We're not supposed to say Santa Claus is obese these days. Instead, we are expected to call him a "person with obesity," as if that changes the meaning. Anybody who talks that way is a person with stupidity, and is probably getting offended by reading this, regardless of how sensitively the College Football Czar phrases it.

Penn State 24, Washington 21

West Virginia at Texas Tech

The Red Raiders gave former Boston College and Florida State QB Tommy Castellanos the start against Arizona, and he ran the Wildcats ragged with the read-option. He and running back J'Koby Williams combined for 292 yards and two touchdowns on the ground, in a 34-26 victory that keeps TT near the top of the Big XII.

That could turn this game into a track meet, as Castellanos squares off against Mountaineer quarterback Michael Hawkinsjr, who is third in the nation in rushing among quarterbacks, trailing only the signal-callers for Navy and Army. He is currently fourth in rushing yards in the Big XII, with his teammate, RB Cam Cook, being among the three ahead of him.

As much turnover as there has been in the WVU lineup, the 49-0 slobberknocking they received from the Raiders in last season's finale in Morgantown hardly seems relevant, except that Joe McGuire's defense is still very strong up front. In that previous meeting, they pinned back the Eers on nine tackles for loss, and they just recorded eight more last week against the U of A.

Either Castellanos has gone back to calling himself Thomas, or else the announcers of last week's game were not aware that he became Tommy upon his arrival at FSU. Now that woke is back as of this past Tuesday, perhaps he should start identifying as "tom/thom."

Texas Tech 28, West Virginia 20

Miami at Notre Dame

Now we know why the Fighting Irish declined to play Brigham Young in the Pop Tarts Bowl while they were protesting their omission from last year's playoffs. Not only did they lose when those teams met in Week 7, but the way BYU has played since then has made it that much worse. If there were still such a thing as the BCS, the Cougars' subsequent loss to Central Florida and unimpressive win over Arizona State would affect the ranking of ND. Instead, the far more subjective CFP committee seems to feel it owes the Irish one. Otherwise, there's nothing about their resume that suggests that they're a superior one-loss team to Kentucky or Wake Forest.

Last week at North Carolina, Hurricane QB Darian Mensah put on one of his usual performances, completing 22 of 29 for 274 yards, with three TDs and no interceptions, yet his team just barely held off the Tar Heels, 38-35. That's because the defense was demolished by UNC slinger Billy Edwardsjr, for 341 yards and four scores. If the U is upset, either this week or at any other time this season, the culprit won't be WR Malachi Toney's high ankle sprain, it will be this pass defense. Currently, it ranks fourth-worst in the 16-team ACC in yards per game allowed, and could easily fall behind Pitt and Stanford with another poor showing.

Ever since1988, this matchup has been known as "Catholics vs. Convicts," but of course those two categories are not mutually exclusive. So, who do you suppose the Corleone family will be rooting for?

Well, let's see. They're New Yorkers, and they're never happy. Must be Rutgers fans.

Miami 34, Note Dame 24

Georgia at Ole Miss

These SEC rivals met twice last year, once in a regular season 43-35 UGA victory, and then again in the CFP quarterfinals, in the Phony Sugar Bowl, where Mississippi won 39-34, in their first game under current head coach Pete Golding. Between those two games, Rebel quarterback Trinidad Chambliss passed for a total of 622 yards.

The Rebels have won 14 consecutive games at Vaught-Hemingway Stadium since getting tripped up by Kentucky in September of 2024. That streak includes not only a blockbuster victory over Lane Kiffin and LSU in Week 3, but also a 31-3 throttling of Missouri less than a month later.

In the ruined, indoor version of the World's Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party, the Bulldogs had lots of unfun with Florida, very boringly finishing off their border rivals by a final of 27-8. Kirby Smart's squad ground out the game with 42 running plays to only 23 pass attempts, while going plus-3 in turnovers.

If the Dogs and Gators can't have a cocktail party anymore, why is "Hotty Toddy" okay?

Ole Miss 31, Georgia 27

UCLA at Minnesota

A big one got away from the Golden Gophers when they lost to defending national champion Indiana 23-16 in overtime, after the teams exchanged 60-yard field goals during the last minute of regulation time. They still have a chance for a season-defining win this week, however, against the undefeated Bruins.

The blue bears are tied for fifth in the nation in fewest points allowed at 13.4, but some of the credit for that has got to go to offensively inept opponents like Maryland, Wisconsin, Michigan State and Nevada. They also had the good fortune of running into Oregon in its first game without QB Dante Moore.

One of the things that is still great about college football is that there are very few domes, so a team from Tinseltown has to face the challenge of playing outside in Minneapolis in November. By comparison, the indoor venue across town where the Vikings play looks like an unconvincing Hollywood soundstage, kind of like the one in Full Metal Jacket.

You would get that reference if you ever stayed tuned for the second half of that movie, which you haven't.

Minnesota 22, UCLA 20

Brigham Young at Utah

These intrastate rivals have clashed on the gridiron 97 times before, but never have they done so both as Top Ten teams. The #3 Utes (8-0, 5-0) have now won 14 games in a row, dating back to last October. Their most recent defeat was to this same Couger club, 24-21 in Provo. It was an uncharacteristically unclean game for the team from Salt Lake City, which committed twelve penalties, as well as the only two turnovers of the game. Well, maybe not "as well as." In fact, that's pretty bad!

The Cougars clawed their way past Arizona State 27-20, a week after getting felled by Central Florida, and the reason why they're struggling is pretty obvious. Running back L.J. Martin had only two carries against TCU when he was injured early in that Week 5 game, and is still listed as doubtful to return this week. Yet he continues to lead the team in rushing with 344 yards. His latest attempted replacement, sophomore Sione Moa, scored two TDs against the Sun Devils, but only gained 20 yards on eight carries.

The Utah defense gave up more points to Cincinnati than it had in any game this season, but that's because they let up in the second half of a 49-25 trouncing, after jumping all over the Bearcats for a 42-6 halftime lead. Overall, they were far more dominant than they had been in their two previous games against Colorado (27-24) and Houston (21-13).

If rookie Ute head coach Morgan Scalley still has a winning percentage of a thousand, does that mean Kyle Whittingham, who had a record there of 177-88, secretly stunk for all those years?

Utah 19, Brigham Young 7

Alabama at LSU

Unsurprisingly, sophomore Crimson Tide quarterback Keelon Russell has had a far worse completion percentage and TD-to-INT ratio against highly ranked opponents Kentucky, Georgia and Tennessee than he has against everyone else. That might not be a big deal if he didn't have to face a #14 Tiger team that leads the SEC in total defense at just 258.1 yards per game.

Louisiana State, led by unconventional coach Lane Kiffin, has had an idle week to dream up things to do to the team from Tuscaloosa, but that's not necessarily an advantage. When Kiffin was at Ole Miss last season, he also had an idle week before playing the pachyderms, and got pounded 20-9.

All signs point to this being a defensive slugfest, which you've probably noticed is great football when it is played that way in the SEC. When two teams from any other league play a 9-6 game, the score itself indicates that it was a bore and an embarrassment, for which all the players and their extended families should be deeply ashamed. But when it happens in this conference, it's great fundamental football, the way the game was meant to be played! Defense wins championships, ya know.

The College Football Czar used to make fun of this matchup always being called Game of the Century, even though it took place every year. Considering how many same-season rematches there are these days, and the ongoing devaluation of the regular season, perhaps it should be renamed Game of the Cent. Come to think of it, even pennies are not as plentiful and as lightly regarded anymore.

When our government stopped minting pennies last year, the argument was made that because it cost 3.7 cents to produce every one-cent coin, the government was losing 2.7 cents on each of them. The lardheadedness of this assertion can be seen in the fact that the value of money is not in the materials of which it is physically made. The face value of a coin is what the government deems it to be worth for the payment of debts, and it is entirely independent of its cost of production. It's not as if a penny is used up once it is spent, either. The average penny remains in circulation for 25-30 years, during which it is exchanged 55-60 times, meaning that each exchange of a penny costs the government about 0.065 cents. The up-front cost of 3.7 cents is therefore of little more relevance to our $40.7 trillion national debt as this bizarre digression is to a college football game.

Every $100 bill costs just over 11 cents to produce. According to the anti-penny argument, this means the government is profiting by $99.89 on every one of them. Therefore, all it has to do is print off 407 billion more $100 bills, and our problems are solved!

LSU 14, Alabama 13

Texas at Missouri

While it seems that most people who mention Longhorn QB Arch Manning are speculating about where he should transfer next season, he is busy leading his team back into contention for the 2026 national championship. In a 31-3 thumping of Mississippi State, he completed 16 of 20 for 220 yards, with three TD passes.

Mizzou, at 6-2, is undefeated outside of the state of Mississippi, for whatever that's worth, if anything. In between losses at Starkville and Oxford, they easily handled Florida and Texas A&M at home, to improve to 4-0 this year at Memorial Stadium. It might surprise many fans to know that he Tigers are now tied with Texas, LSU and Tennessee in both conference and overall records.

These former Big XII foes have not played since the Horns were admitted to the SEC. Last time they met was in the hardly objective-sounding Texas Bowl in 2017, where Texas naturally won, 33-16. And if you think that's a sucker deal, they also somehow manage to talk Oklahoma into a "neutral site" game in Texas every year.

In the past, when Manning has played poorly, the College Football Czar has likened him to the Arch Deluxe, but it could be worse. At least he can't be a McRib.

Texas 38, Missouri 31

Cincinnati at Houston

This may sound like an old-time AFC Central matchup, but don't expect to see a lot of Campbell up the middle from UH. Instead, it is the Bearcats who lead the Big XII with a 6.0 yard per carry average, and are second in the conference to West Virginia in total rushing yards. Their leading rusher has been laying down Cole's law, as Cole Tabb has tallied 422 yards in the past three games. (And no, coleslaw would not do anything to help a McRib, nor vice versa, just in case you were wondering.)

The Cougars put up a much better battle against Utah than UC just did, and they have had a week to rest up since then. At 3-2 in the conference, with their other loss to Texas Tech, they will need help to make it to the championship game in Arlington, but a less than foreboding November schedule might allow them to remain in the race. After this game, they travel to Colorado and West Virginia, before finishing up by hosting Baylor.

Earl Campbell and the Oilers played in the Astrodome, which is the third time that abominable edifice has been mentioned on these pages this season, and you know what that means. "Roh-roe, Rorge!"

Yeah, Scooby Doo ripped roh-roe off Astro, but he had license to do it because they were both Hanna-Barbera cartoons. On the other hand, there should have been a lawsuit over Winnie the Pooh just happening to have a stuttering pig in it.

Houston 45, Cincinnati 41

Iowa at Northwestern

Last week, the College Football Czar sure seemed to make the argument for Wisconsin beating Iowa, but when he made his pick, it was in favor of the Hawkeyes. Could it have been a typo? It matters not. The outcome is official, and the way the past three weeks have gone, he'll take every W he can get.

As it happened, the Hawkeyes bullied the Badgers 30-0, which probably should not have come as such a surprise, since they had beaten them 37-0 a year earlier. The shutout was their third but most significant one of the season, the others coming against Northern Illinois and Division I-AA Northern Iowa.

Coach David Braun is the brains behind this Wildcat team, but he was left scratching his head after letting a 20-6 lead slip away in a 34-26 loss at Oregon. That setback leaves them as a long shot for the Big Ten title game, as they are now in a six-way tie for fifth place at 3-2. The three other teams mentioned here, the Hawkeyes, Badgers and Ducks, are right there with them.

Perhaps it was an example of the Czar's subconscious prognosticative genius that prompted him to overrule his cogent analysis, and base his pick instead on a voluminous collection of underlying data that might otherwise be referred to as intangibles.

Yes, let's go with that.

Iowa 22, Northwestern 14

Kentucky at Tennessee

The Wildcats (7-1, 5-1) have quietly crept up on the rest of the SEC, to the point where they are tied with Georgia for first place, and ranked #8 in the nation. Part of the reason they've stayed under the radar, however, is that they don't have to play UGA, Ole Miss or Texas, and they were beaten badly by Alabama in Week 2.

The Volunteers team must have gone on voluntary leave after a potentially devastating 27-24 upset loss to South Carolina. Coach Josh Heupel has not yet announced which of his freshman quarterbacks will get the start against UK, George MacIntyre or Faizon Brandon. The College Football Czar would expect Brandon to get the nod, because he has only one interception, and that was when he was trying to play through a shoulder injury against Auburn. He has a significantly lower completion percentage, though, and neither player has compiled very much yardage.

The Cats are vying for their first SEC title since they went undefeated in 1950 under Bear Bryant. (The Czar is not counting their on-paper-only 1976 SEC co-championship, which was awarded to them retroactively two years later, when Mississippi State was forced to forfeit.) Sure, it's still a long shot, but vy not vy while they still can? While we're at it, "viaduct; vy a no chicken?" After 97 years, Chico Marx deserves an answer.

Kentucky 27, Tennessee 17

Florida State at Boston College

Just as they appeared to be an up-and-coming team, the Bostonians were made to look like has-beans in a 47-2 blowout loss to Duke, in which their only score was on the return of a blocked extra point. At 4-4, the Eagles almost definitely need a win this week in order to play in the postseason, with two of their remaining games being at Notre Dame and at Miami.

The Seminoles' interim head coach is 68-year-old Rick Stockstill, a scouting director who played quarterback there from 1977-81. He had been head coach at Middle Tennessee for 18 years, where he kept that fledgling Division I-A program competitive, with an overall record of 113-111. Unfortunately, the ex-MT-head is finding that the cupboard is bare at FSU, at least on offense. With leading rusher Ousmane Kromah already out for the season, leading receiver Duce Robinson has now been lost, to a torn ACL.

Eagle QB Mason McKenzie is another example of one of those "dual threat" quarterbacks who has yet to become proficient at threat #1. For the season, he has only completed 57.4 percent of his passes, with eight touchdowns and seven picks. The College Football Czar is not convinced that his 638 rushing yards are worth the tradeoff.

Why is it Middle Tennessee instead of Central Tennessee? Do they think adjectives are just a bunch of Yankee talk?

Florida State 15, Boston College 12

Wyoming at UNLV

With each of these teams at 5-3, it's hard to figure how the winner could possibly be in the running for the group-of-six CFP bid, but at least that team would be in position to qualify for a Mountain West Conference championship berth opposite New Mexico.

The College Football Czar should have listened to his subconscious prognosticative genius before picking the Rebels to go to the playoffs this year. A week ago, they hosted the geographically misplaced, 0-8 MWC newcomers from Northern Illinois, and only managed to win by a final of 31-24, while letting lowly NIU gash their defense for 493 total yards.

The Cowboys have gotten dusted on the trail this season, saving all of their grit for their home games. In their opener, they lost the Bronze Boot to rival Colorado State in Fort Collins, 35-13. From there, they were shut down at Central Michigan 24-10, and then they got all caps busted on them at FARGODOME, in a 28-0 loss to NDSU, before finally winning at San Jose State, 16-13 in overtime. It shouldn't take much to trip them up on the crinkly carpet at Allegiant Stadium.

If Las Vegas had existed in the Old West, everyplace else would have been a ghost town. Not only is there an abundance of drinking and gambling, but if Marlene Dietrich was the Cowboys' idea of a showgirl, they hadn't seen anything yet.

UNLV 31, Wyoming 16

Oregon at Ohio State

Each of these presumptive national championship contenders has had its season blown up by the loss of its starting quarterback for the remainder of the season. In the first start for freshman Luke Fahey, the Buckeyes built up a total of 464 yards against USC, but were unable to finish their drives. Two chip shot field goals, a fumble in plus-territory and a turnover on downs led to their first Big Ten defeat of the campaign, 30-18 in the Coliseum.

Current Oregon starter Dylan Riola had an excellent game in rallying his team past Northwestern 34-26, with 336 passing yards, three TDs and no interceptions. But when he's bad, he's bad. The difference is largely a function of the opposition, and OSU defensive coordinator Matt Patricia should be able to make him be bad.

Buckeye running back Bo Jackson is no relation to the famous two-sport all-star Bo Jackson, but then why would he be, when neither one of them is named Bo? Bo the First, of Raiders and Royals fame, is named Vincent, whereas the new Bo is named Lamar. So really, his name is Lamar Jacksonjr, because his dad is named Lamar, but he's not the same Lamar Jackson who plays quarterback for the Ravens. Also, the lumpy nuts' second-leading rusher is named Ja'Kobi Jackson, who is not related to any of the Bos or Lamars in this paragraph, nor is Bo short for Ja'Kobi.

If there were a quiz on this later on, the student athletes at OSU would fare about as well as usual.

Ohio State 14, Oregon 10

Texas State at Oregon State

A 38-22 defeat at Fresno State has buried the Beavers' chances at a CFP bid, to the degree that they existed in the first place. With this battle against the Bobs, followed by Boise State, an improving Utah State team, and then a "flex game," perhaps also against Boise State, their chances of running the table were never that great anyway.

The Bobcats scored six second-half touchdowns in Boise last Saturday night, and lost. Trailing 28-3 at halftime, they scored 36 "unanswered points," except that the Broncos then answered those unanswered points with 12 unanswered points of their own. TSU retook the lead by a point with another TD of their own, but then gave up the game-winner with just over a minute left, for a final of 46-45.

After that draining defeat in Boise, the Bobs returned home to San Marcos, only to turn right around again and head back to the Great Northwest for this game seven days later in Corvallis. Perhaps what should have remained unanswered was their invitation to join the Pac 12.

Oregon State 42, Texas State 26

Clemson at Syracuse

Last season, SU slinger Steve Angeli was injured during a 34-21 win over the Son of Clem, and his team never won again, dropping eight straight to finish with a record of 3-9. He was re-injured this year in a Week 3 loss at Pitt, but he returned to play two weeks ago, and has evened the Orange record at 4-4 by eking out wins against North Carolina and SMU.

Coming into this season, the College Football Czar was concerned about the Tiger ground game, just as he was the previous year. It turns out their bigger problem is behind center, where the quarterbacks have combined for only four TDs and seven interceptions through eight games. That puts them in a five-way tie for last in the nation in touchdown tosses, along with Army, Air Force, Central Michigan and Rice, and none of those teams has as bad a TD-to-INT margin.

Nevertheless, Dabo Swinney's team defeated Florida State last week to improve to 5-3 overall and 2-2 in ACC play. This was mostly the result of big defensive plays, starting with two picks by cornerback Elliot Washingtonii and one by safety Jerome Carteriii.

Do you suppose equipment managers can order the letter I in bulk, or do they have to buy the whole alphabet, and keep the supply room littered with lots of other letters they'll never use?

Syracuse 20, Clemson 17

Air Force at Army

As mentioned above, these teams are tied with Clemson for the fewest touchdown passes in Division I-A. But of course in their cases, that's by design.

The 6-2 Falcons have a chance to clinch the Commander-in-Chief's Trophy, even though injuries have forced them to play five different quarterbacks this season. Last week against Uconn, it was senior Kemper Hodges who got the start, and he finished with exactly 200 rushing yards and four touchdowns, to become bowl-eligible with a 35-26 victory.

The Black Knights are pretty close to being eliminated from contention in the American Conference, after getting juked out of their armor in a 49-22 loss at Memphis, in which they gave up 554 total yards. Cale Hellums should have been on wheels, because then the Cadet QB might have rushed for more than 34 yards on 13 carries.

Effective immediately, the following design updates are being made to the Commander-in-Chief's Trophy. First, those three cheap, silver footballs are going to be covered in gold leaf. Let the Canadians have silver footballs; our military academies are the greatest, but they've been a laughing stock because no other president has ever had the courage to do what I'm doing. Foreign heads of state, especially in the Middle East, always respect gold footballs, as they say. Next: granite! The golden balls will be mounted on a slab of beautiful granite. That stuff will last a million years, maybe a billion. They say a million, the granite people, that is, but I kind of think a billion is probably more like it. The names of the winners will be engraved on a spectacular golden plate, which will be so shiny, it'll be like a mirror, really, a golden mirror. The engraving will be done in a new, elegant font that I just created. It doesn't have a name yet, but I�m calling it the America font, which I'm just coming up with right now. I could easily name it after myself, but then people would say, oh no, you can't do that, so the America font. Then the top of the trophy can be used as a base for drones armed with defensive missiles ...

Okay, you get the idea.

Air Force 33, Army 29

The College Football Czar

a sports publication from The Shinbone