The Original College Football Czar

Week 11

Week ten in review: The College Football Czar is beginning this week's picks with a retraction, because he had somehow misread the CFP rankings, and said that as one-loss teams were concerned, Notre Dame had been treated favorably compared to Kentucky. Not only were the Fighting Irish the lower-ranked of the two, but they certainly turned out to be the more deserving based on Saturday's results. The Czar would eat some crow for this, but he happens to be allergic to poultry, so he has decided to have a nice stuffed pork chop instead. That's what people do when they admit they were wrong about something, right?

If you care enough about the game to be reading this, you are already aware the golden domers dropped Miami from its #1 ranking, and that like many big games this season, it was not without controversy. As tends to be the case with most controversies in sports and elsewhere, those in the vociferous majority are wrong. On the potential game-tying touchdown catch, the ball appeared to wobble in the hands of Hurricane tight end Elija Lofton just before Fighting Irish safety Luke Talich knocked it away. But even if Lofton had secured possession with both feet down, he still needed to "perform an act common to the game," which is a less ridiculous rephrasing of the oft-ridiculed "football move." Talich had already dislodged the ball before Lofton had a chance to satisfy that requirement for a completed catch. A receiver must complete a catch in the end zone, just as he does anywhere else on the field. Had this same play occurred at the 20-yard line, there would have been little dispute over the correctness of the call.

In a development that should surprise absolutely no one, the NCAA has released data showing that college athletes who transfer more than once have a far lower graduation rate than those who stay at the same school throughout their collegiate careers. There's a bit of a chicken-or-the-egg question involved here, in that an athlete who has serious academic ambitions will naturally want to stay put. It's not that he will graduate because he didn't transfer, but rather that he won't transfer because he is determined to graduate with a particular degree. Absent that motivation, when a 21-year-old is getting paid a half-million a year to play supposedly amateur football, an undergraduate degree in sociology just isn't a comparable incentive, so why not go to the highest bidding school year after year? Graduate, schmaduate.

It's a good thing the Czar started this season so well, because he remained in the doldrums in Week 10, dropping three of the four high-profile SEC games as well as ND-Miami, to finish at 10-10. He entertained the thought of wittily claiming that last week's picks were sarcastic, but then he realized that in that case he would turn out 10-10 all the same, so never mind. For the season, his record is 129-82, for a .611 winning percentage.

Nov. 13

Florida State at Pitt

A tip of the hat to former head MT-head Rick Stockstill, who won his first game as interim coach at FSU last Saturday, 31-24 at Boston College. Nobody thinks the 68-year-old former FSU quarterback is a candidate to coach the Seminoles beyond this season, but they could certainly do worse, as in fact they have.

After a tentative start, Panther freshman running back Damon Ferguson is now taking full advantage of the holes his OL is opening for him, and even squeezing through a few that aren't really there. In Week 9 against Georgia Tech, he had his first multiple-TD game, while gaining 185 yards on 31 carries.

The Panthers' season has gone south since quarterback Holden Geriner has been in the lineup in place of the injured Mason Heintschel, but Ashton Daniels just barely has a better completion percentage than Geriner, and his TD-to-INT ratio is considerably worse. That's not an aberration for the well-traveled senior scrambler, either. Including his time at Stanford and Auburn, he has got 38 touchdowns and 34 picks.

You can tell Stockstill is not one of these prima donna coaches because he does not wear a visor. Better an MT-head than an empty hat, the College Football Czar always says.

Pitt 21, Florida State 18

Illinois at UCLA

The Bruins' 34-20 victory at Minnesota was a prime example of how a quarterback's completion percentage can be a misleading stat. Ty Diffenbach only completed 8 of 16, but for 303 yards, including two 75-yard TD passes to WR Aidan Mizell. Who wouldn't take that over a 90 percent completion rate for only eight yards a pop?

The Fighting Illini haven't faced that dangerous a passing game since they were handled by Ohio State back in Week 4. In Pasadena, they'd better be prepared to defend the entire length of the field, which is something they haven't had to do during their current four-game winning streak.

Illini head coach Bret Bielema did his best Pat Narduzzi impression after last week's 24-13 win over Nebraska, opining that "if we were in the SEC, we'd probably be a Top 15 team." In fact, his team is 6-3, and the highest-ranked 6-3 SEC team is #19 Ole Miss. Meanwhile, 6-3 Missouri is unranked, just like Bielema's team is, so where's the bias in that? Oh, and neither of those teams has lost to Purdue. The coach went on to point out that "a 9-3 team can get into the playoffs." What ever happened to that favorite coaches' cliche about taking them one game at a time? Now he's casually projecting consecutive victories against UCLA, Iowa and Northwestern.

As long as we're destroying college football traditions by the buttload, can we at least get rid of the really stupid ones, like keeping a coaches poll? It would make more sense to have the rankings selected by Paul the Octopus. And he became calamari three World Cups ago.

Okay, so calamari is made of squid, not octopus. So who are you, the mollusk police?

UCLA 35, Illinois 24

Nov. 14

Minnesota at Penn State

Golden Gopher coach P.J. Fleck is going to feel weird looking across the field and not seeing his evil twin James Franklin on the opposing sideline. Not that Fleck is good, but it's actually more common for both twins to be evil. Take Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen, for instance.

By this point, Mister "Row the Boat" must be wishing that life is but a dream. After letting an upset bid against defending national champion Indiana get away at literally the last second, the Golden Gophers repeatedly failed to maintain momentum in a 34-20 loss to unbeaten UCLA. Twice, they scored in the fourth quarter, only to turn around and give up a 75-yard touchdown pass on each occasion.

The Nittany Lions got shut out in the second half at Washington, but still hung on to win the game 28-25, and pull within one win of bowl-eligibility. Not that their postseason chances are really at stake this week, when they still have Rutgers and Maryland ahead on their schedule. Having blown most of a 28-6 halftime lead, the Lions ran out the final 7:40 of the game on a long drive that deprived the Huskies of a chance for one last possession.

Please notice that the College Football Czar's use of the word "literally" in that second paragraph is correct, in that the radiant rodents had kicked a field goal to take the lead against Indiana with less than a minute to play, but then lost their lead as regulation time expired. He will leave it the lardheads on TV to abuse it, by saying dopey things like, "This guy is literally a Swiss army knife!" People who talk that way must go through life not knowing the difference between a documentary and a Betty Boop cartoon.

Minnesota 31, Penn State 26

Kansas at West Virginia

One game away from his third consecutive losing season, KU coach Lance Leipold had better be able to change his spots in a hurry. During six years in Lawrence, the one-time wizard of Division III Wisconsin-Whitewater has only finished with a winning record in 2023, when his team went 9-4, and even then it was only 5-4 in conference play.

As both the announcers and the graphics on ESPN2 told us last week, the Jayhawks gave up 26 "unanswered points" to Central Florida before coming back to score 25 "unanswered points" of their own. Then they allowed a last-second touchdown and lost, 33-32. Does nothing constitute an answer in this game? Perhaps if the scoring player turned to the opposing sideline and shouted, "So there!"

There was more unansweredness than you could shake a lardhead at when WVU took on Texas Tech late last Saturday night. The Mountaineers trailed 41-27 at halftime, then outscored the Red Raiders 21-0 in the third quarter to take the lead, before being blanked themselves in the fourth. A late safety gave Tech the ball back to kill the clock, for a final of 53-48. The loss leaves the Eers in a four-way tie for tenth place in the 16-team Big XII.

After the game, Coach Rich Rodriguez observed, "Our defense was gross." If it plays the same way against the last-place KU-KU Pigeon Sisters, he'll probably just issue a press release that says, "Eeeeewww!"

West Virginia 46, Kansas 33

Texas at LSU

Louisiana State outgained Alabama in total yardage, 457-258, but much of that was nullified by a significant field position disadvantage that persisted throughout the game. Contributing to that factor were a fumble, an interception, a questionable long field goal attempt, and four turnovers on downs. All of that adds up to a 31-13 defeat, and an SEC record of only 3-3.

The Longhorns have been hitting Miss for the past three games, with consecutive victories against Ole Miss, Mississippi State and Missouri. In last week's 34-20 road win over a ranked Mizzou team, running back Raleek Brown caught six passes for 48 yards, while gaining another 85 yards on 17 carries, and scoring one TD each on the ground and in the air. More importantly, he did not at any point render himself unconscious by sniffing his crotch hand, as he had done in the Tennessee game. During championship celebrations in this wussified era of ours, the players often wear gigantic goggles in order to avoid getting stung by the naughty champagne. Well, Brown's teammates can probably be seen walking through the locker room wearing hazmat suits.

The way Lane Kiffin's season is going, he might be having second thoughts about moving to Fansville. Granted, they've got nice-looking women there, but they're probably not so pleasant if they're burning you in effigy. In addition, they don't seem to have any beer.

Texas 19, LSU 16

USC at Indiana

In Fort Worth they may be singing, "Mister, we could use a man like Josh Hoover again," but in Bloomington, they can't help but be nostalgic for his predecessor. The former Horned Frog flinger has not completed a majority of his passes in any game since Week 6. It is not coincidental that in the past three games, the Hoosiers have lost to Ohio State, and squirmed past both Michigan and Minnesota in overtime, while averaging only 12.3 points per game.

Like all the West Coast Big Ten teams, the Trojans have their troubles on road trips to the Midwest. This one comes after an idle week, which ought to be a mitigating factor, but that wasn't the case in Week 8, when they went to Wisconsin after an off-week and got whacked, 24-7. On other long road trips this year, they only beat Rutgers by seven points and Penn State by eight.

The Hoosiers, on the other hand, have had a tough time at home, even though they had won 19 in a row there until earlier this season. Along with that 19-15 loss to Ohio State, they were at home for those aforementioned OT tests against the Wolverines and Gophers, as well as for a surprising scrap against Northwestern.

Okay, so the lyrics say Herbert Hoover, not Josh. But keep in mind that they're being sung by a dingbat.

Indiana 23, USC 21

Utah at Arizona

Utah a putty-tat 49 times prior to this season, with UU leading this border battle by a count of 26-21-2. Last time they played in Tucson, however, they got toasted, 42-18.

The undefeated Utes might not have been mor mon than their rivals from Provo, but they were more of most other things in a critical 28-20 victory over Brigham Young. With another win against another Big XII contender this week, they would all but clinch a berth in the conference championship game.

The Wildcats rallied past TCU 29-28 last Friday night, with the aid of a recovered pooch kick, which they tried in lieu of an onside kick. It's a wonder we don't see it more often, really. If executed correctly, it's harder for the receiving team to field, and if it doesn't work, you don't give up such great field position.

Kicking a pooch may sound cruel, but it's better than doing that other thing to a pooch. The College Football Czar does not ever want to meet the kind of person who would coin a phrase like that. Why would it even occur to somebody?

Utah 22, Arizona 13

Missouri at Georgia

UGA hotty-taught Ole Miss a lesson in a stern 42-7 spanking on the road, to take sole possession of first place in the SEC. The Bulldogs bolted out to a 21-0 lead by scoring touchdowns on their first three possessions, and then held the Rebels off the scoreboard until early in the fourth quarter. By the way, that's "stern" with a lower-case "s," meaning firm and severe. Much to his disappointment, Howard Stern did not get to participate on either end of the spanking. He was probably too busy thinking up vulgar sayings about pooches, anyway.

The Tigers made an impression when they blew out the Florida team that had just pummeled Ole Miss, but was that impression mistaken? Not only has that Gator team not really been that great, but MU is only 3-3 in conference play, with their other two wins coming against Texas A&M and Arkansas.

Mizzou is calling for a review of its 34-20 loss to Texas, whatever that means. Do they hope to retroactively disallow enough points that they can be declared the winners? Perhaps they can put Mike Lindell on the case, since he doesn't seem to have a whole lot else to do these days.

Georgia 37, Missouri 19

Baylor at Brigham Young

The Waco kids (6-3, 4-2) may have the appearance of Big XII contenders, but they're just pulling our lariat. Having had a weak conference schedule up until now (including losses to TCU and Kansas), they end the regular season against ranked teams BYU, Texas Tech and Houston.

BU is 2-0 under interim head coach Joe Klanderman, who, according to his bio, was a defensive lineman at Minnesota State, but he was not a Screaming Eagle. Rather, he attended what used to be known as Mankato State, which changed its name in 1998, obviously to capitalize on the popularity of the TV show. Its colors, coincidentally, were already purple and gold.

This Cougar team, ranked #2 not long ago, lost for the second time in three games, but they played better in a 28-20 defeat against arch rival Utah than they had since knocking off Notre Dame in Week 7. In between, they were upset by Central Florida, and they scored a routine 27-20 win against also-ran Arizona State.

The Bears are playing against a team whose quarterback is named Bear. Could he be a mole? No, but that's an easy mistake to make. A bear looks not unlike a mole, except that it's a whole lot bigger, and it can devour people, and see. Here endeth the lesson.

Brigham Young 24, Baylor 10

UNLV at New Mexico

The 8-1 Lobos show how low the bar is anymore for small conference teams in the NIL-transfer portal era. Just imagine how dangerous an opponent UNM would be if it still had Devon Dampier at quarterback. Instead, they have sophomore starter Toa Fa'avae, who is averaging 115.7 passing yards per game, with seven TDs and seven interceptions, and still they're among the favorites to advance to the CFP as the best team among the group-of-six.

Last time the Rebels gave as much ground as they did last week against Wyoming, it was to General Sherman. In that 41-35 loss to the Pokes they yielded 351 yards on the ground, and they can expect more of the same from a Lobo team that is second in the Mountain West in rushing yards to only Air Force.

You probably didn't realize General Sherman ever made it all the way out to Las Vegas. It turns out he was a big Eydie Gorme fan.

New Mexico 30, UNLV 23

Florida at Kentucky

UK was yucky last week in a 34-6 stomping by Tennessee, in which they committed the game's only three turnovers. The four sacks they allowed do not begin to describe the duress under which QB Kenny Minchey found himself throughout the game. The Notre Dame transfer threw his second interception of the season, while gaining only 224 yards on 26 completions.

Speaking of yuck, the Gators have had yotsa it, in spite of isolated successes against Ole Miss and Texas. Including last Saturday's 23-7 squelching by Oklahoma, UF has now lost four of its last five games, and none of them has even been close. Current starting quarterback Tramell Jonesjr completed only 10 of 22 with two interceptions, yet coach Jon Sumrall did not call on Aaron Philo to fill in at any point.

Mi'Quise Humphrey-Grace has punctuated the Wildcat defense this year, with six sacks, two forced fumbles and an interception. The senior defensive end previously played for the Division I-AA South Dakota Coyotes, where he was One (1) Acme Bad Dude.

It's getting so you have to be the progeny of Victor Borge to announce a college football game these days.

Kentucky 20, Florida 14

Ole Miss at Oklahoma

You have to bel first in order to re-bel, and Mississippi didn't answer the bell until the latter stages of a 42-7 pummeling by recent rival Georgia. Prolific passer Trinidad Chambliss was held to a season-low 170 yards, while the Rebels only rushed for 66 yards on 31 carries.

The Sooner defense dumped Florida 23-7, while yielding only 203 total yards and taking the game's only two turnovers. Brent Venables' defense is the best in the SEC against the pass, and is fourth in the conference when taking rushing into account as well. The offense, however, is next to last in the league, ahead of only Arkansas.

The way Ole Miss was dismissively dispatched by the Bulldogs last week, they might consider that the folks down there in SEC country would treat them with more respect if they called themselves Ma'am, instead.

Ole Miss 27, Oklahoma 17

Louisville at North Carolina

The Cardinals (6-3, 5-2) have come on strong with four straight victories, which shouldn't come as much of a surprise, because their opponents during that streak have got a combined ACC record of 7-18. Against Florida State, Syracuse, Stanford and Georgia Tech, they have scored an average of 43.5 points per game.

Becoming bowl-eligible should not be a big deal for Bill Belichick, but then again it should. Following a tempestuous 4-8 first year, a sixth Tar Heel victory, to go along with competitive losses to Notre Dame and Miami, would be enough to let him put aside the silliness, which is largely of his own making, and get on with the job.

Carolina's 38-21 victory over Uconn was not a Final Four matchup, but it might be an opening round game in Dayton by the time they're finished expanding the CFP.

Louisville 42, North Carolina 34

Texas Tech at Oklahoma State

In a wild win over West Virginia, Tech QB Tommy "Don't call me Thomas, unless you do" Castellanos had an incredible game, passing for 362 yards and five touchdowns, and rushing for 102 yards more. The fact that he had no interceptions was somewhat miraculous, though, considering how many balls he lofted up for grabs.

OSU overwhelmed an undermanned opponent in Manhattan, in a 66-28 trampling of Kansas State. If they can topple TT, they'll be right back in the race for a place in the last-ever Big XII championship game. Then, starting next season, most conference races will finish with a tie for first place between teams that haven't played head-to-head, and won't that be fun. The reason the Pokes are not in position already is that in their previous game, they got punctured for 581 total yards in a 51-49 upset loss at Iowa State. Come to think of it, even allowing 28 points to that K-State team is kind of alarming.

The nickname Pokes is short for cowpokes, but how tough a guy does it take to poke a cow? At least kicking a pooch involves a certain amount of risk, not to mention that other thing.

Texas Tech 55. Oklahoma State 51

North Texas at UTSA

The Roadrunners must have started studying law, because they fell off a cliff last Thursday night, in a 60-29 loss at Florida Atlantic. Now, the meepers must knock off first-place UNT in order to remain on course for a berth in the American Conference championship game.

First-year Mean Green coach Neal Brown, formerly of Troy and West Virginia, is just one among many new faces at that program, with 52 transfers making up for the exodus that followed former coach Eric Morris to Oklahoma State. Yet Brown has held them together to go 5-0 in conference play. Ironically, they lead the nation in total offense, with Morris' OSU team trailing them in second.

This is the College Football Czar's second Road Runner cartoon reference in this installment of picks. Unfortunately, nothing about that gives him a cheap excuse to say "Roh-roe, Rorge," so he'll just have to restrain himself from doing so.

North Texas 39, UTSA 27

Oregon State at Boise State

The Beavers are dammed if they don't, which is a bit of a shame because they haven't been for two weeks now. One would expect that playing in the rain would favor them, but they've gotten bogged down in marshy conditions against both Fresno State and Texas State.

In the absence of starting QB Maddux Madsen, the Broncos scored 64 against Colorado State behind backup Max Cutforth. That's like a cutback, only forward, which is probably why the CSU defense was so befuddled. Cutforth carved up the Rams for 317 yards and four touchdowns with no INTs.

If BSU wins out, it ought to be a playoff team. The question is whether the Pac 12 will risk that by giving the Broncs a tough "flex week" game to finish the season, or will it protect them with a safe matchup, and risk being penalized for that? Consider it a catch-12.

Boise State 37, Oregon State 24

Duke at Miami

Even though the Blue Devils won last year's ACC championship, they lost their potential CFP bid to The U, and then lost their starting quarterback to them as well. The current standings make them appear poised for revenge, but let's take a closer look at that schedule. The Devils have yet to face a single team with a winning conference record, and they're the only team in the league to lose to last-place Georgia Tech. Okay, so they've blown out BC and Nc State by a combined score of 88-5 in their past two games, but that will do them little good in their remaining games against Miami, Clemson and Wake Forest.

Hurricane head coach Mario Cristobal would do himself a favor if he'd stop dwelling on that call at the end of the Notre Dame game and focus on the opponent he has in front of him. Okay, let's just say for the sake of argument that it was a blown call (which it wasn't), and that if not for that call they would have won the game (which isn't necessarily true). He's not going to get it reversed now. The best he can do is avoid letting the same call beat him twice.

The Canes hope to have wide receiver Malachi Toney back in time for the playoffs. Their mission in the meantime is to make sure they get there. It doesn't seem like that ought to be much of a problem for them, but it was only two years ago they started 9-0, only to lose three of their last four. Won't it be great when a team can lose three of its last four and still be given a shot at winning a national championship? It's as if all of Division I-A college football is about to morph into the Norris Division.

Well, not really. If that really happened, Minnesota would get the North Stars back, in place of the Wild. At least that would be something.

Miami 45, Duke 31

Michigan at Oregon

The College Football Czar doesn't remember there ever being so much carnage in the assistant coaching ranks during the season as there has been all of a sudden in 2026. Basically, if you were an offensive or defensive coordinator in the Big Ten three weeks ago, you probably no longer are. Oregon OC Drew Mehringer was the first to go in Week 8, and now his counterpart, Jason Beck of the Wolverines, has been dismissed, also. Beck will receive the biggest buyout ever for an assistant coach, at $10.1 million. Then again, you don't hire away a legendary coach like Kyle Whittingham without giving him the latitude to make such a decision.

Besides, when you come within two and a half minutes of getting shut out by Michigan State, drastic measures are obviously needed. In that 15-6 suffocation, Whittingham's team was held to 192 total yards, while committing the game's only four turnovers.

The Fighting Ducks were bumfuzzled through the first quarter of their 41-28 victory at Ohio State. They finally turned it around on a fake punt that relied on a pass play between two defensive players, with one edge rusher (Teitum Tuioti) throwing to another (Matayo Uiagalelei) for a first down.

Uiagalelei leads his team with 7.5 sacks. Just think how many he'd have if he could have played against his big brother.

Oregon 19, Michigan 12

Florida Atlantic at Tulsa

Last week's win in the Big Easy was both big and easy for Tulsa, which assaulted Tulane 60-10 at Yulman Stadium. Journeyman wide receiver Oran Singleton dropped a single ton on the Green Wave defense, with a career-high 177 yards and three touchdowns.

The Burrowing Owls slapped 60 on the scoreboard themselves in a 60-29 takedown of a Texas-San Antonio team that had been a contender for the group-of-five CFP bid. The FAU offense, which is known for its air attack, let its running game romp for 339 yards, led by Leonard Farrow with a season-high 126.

Golden Hurricane fans might be the only people in the world who would like to re-live the year 2020. That was the last time their team had a winning regular season, at 6-2. Even then, they couldn't show their faces in public, at least not as long as they were obeying The Powers That Be Stupid.

Back then, we were warned that college football games were "super-spreader events," which was preposterous, because college football is a wholesome American pastime. The truth be known, the people who were warning us were probably attending events where super-spreading was going on all over the place.

Tulsa 40, Florida Atlantic 38

Wake Forest at SMU

While the Demon Deacons are visiting the Big D, they might think about stealing that nickname, because it is definitely less lame than Deactown. Then again, so is Spatula City. Maybe they should just re-steal the Death Valley moniker that doesn't rightly belong to LSU.

A year ago, in between big wins over Clemson and Miami, the Mustangs fell into a trap in Winston-Salem, where Wake tripped them up 13-12. Quarterback Kevin Jennings threw for a season-low 171 yards in the loss, which eliminated his team from the playoff chase.

Last week, the Deacons wore their 1980s WF logo that resembled that of the World Wrestling Federation. The outcome of their game was as predetermined as that of the Bootcamp Match between Sergeant Slaughter and the Iron Sheik, but not nearly as competitive, as they beat up Division I-AA Merrimack 77-0, without even the aid of a chair and a conveniently preoccupied referee. Their legitimate games haven't been much closer than that, as they suplexed Stanford (57-3), California (41-7) and Virginia (51-7) all during the month of October.

One positive thing about the CFP is that if they'd had it in the WWF, the totally meaningless Intercontinental Championship would not have existed. Then again, who would have wanted to see a first-round playoff matchup between Bob Backlund and Tito Santana?

Wake Forest 33, SMU 21

Northwestern at Ohio State

The alarming thing about the lumpy nuts' 41-28 loss to Oregon is that the absence of QB Julian Sayin was not the predominant factor. The OSU defense was handed a 14-0 lead, and could not even hold it until halftime. In addition, Ryan Day and his staff were badly outcoached, and star wide receiver Jeremiah Smith is making his visible disgruntlement a distraction to the team.

It's not just Sayin. The Wildcats are without their starting quarterback also. Aidan Chiles will miss his second consecutive game with a Northern hemisphere injury, or something equally nonspecific, which leaves former West Virginia QB Nicco Marchiol at the helm. Of even greater concern than the quarterback position during their 24-10 bruising by Iowa was the fact that leading rusher Caleb Komolafe only got seven carries.

Buckeye mascot Brutus was seen leaving the field late in the third quarter of last week's game. Not that he was that disgusted with his team's play; it's just that if he has to subject himself to "Hang On Sloopy" one more time, he's going to barf. Besides, forming a triangle over one's head while yelling "I" is just so stupid it's embarrassing to watch.

Ohio State 17, Northwestern 13

The College Football Czar

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